March 30, 2010

Intention

Last week, I was talking to a new friend about an issue we both--sorry, let's be honest, an issue we all--have faced: Getting hurt.

I explained to her my philosophy in dealing with getting hurt. It's a two-parter.

1. If the person doing the hurting is a true friend, I consider his or her intention and don't focus on the words. I do this because a true friend never intends to hurt us, even if the words chosen might do so.

2. If the person doing the hurting is not a friend, I never look at his or her intention (because that's clear). Instead, I focus on the words, because without the intention attached, those words become very easy to deflect.

My new friend took that in and--apparently--really applied this philosophy to her life. When we next talked, she told me it had an impact and had healed some issues (and quickly) that had been festering for a while.

I'm good at compartmentalizing. It's how I get so much done. It's also how I maintain amazing, lifelong, beautiful friendships while keeping business business. And if you hurt me and leave me, it's why I'll forgive you when you come back around. If you're a true friend, I know your intention was never to hurt me. And if that was your intention, your status was never "true friend" to begin with. And that's okay too. It's just a different place in my compartmentalized life.

Posted by bonnie at 6:32 PM | Comments (0)

October 4, 2009

Suicide

Not sure I'll ever understand suicide.

I mean, of course I understand the emotional heaviness, the absolute despair, the certainty that nothing will ever get better and that there is no hope. I've been there. I know.

But even though I get it, it still hits me so hard when someone I know ends her own life. And this seems to happen more in the entertainment industry than in other circles. Seems to. Not sure.

What is there to say? Other than, "I'll keep her family in my thoughts, as they heal."

It's just so hard.

And it's so easy for me to say, "She had so much to live for. She was so loved. She had no idea how special she was."

Hmm...

Since that's easy for me to say, now that she's gone, I need to make sure I say that more often to those who are here.

Oh, everyone. We are all so loved. So, so, so much more loved than we probably ever would expect.

Let's please know that.

Especially when things get dark or hopeless.

There's so very much to live for.

Rest in peace, Natasha.
Good night, sweetness.

Posted by bonnie at 9:34 PM | Comments (5)

May 4, 2008

Charlsie

Usually, I'll wait 'til Mothers' Day weekend (which always hits right around my mom's birthday) to post about how awesome my mom was. But next weekend, I'm going to be pretty dang busy and, assuming I'm going to be both busy *and* emotional, I'd rather just go ahead and get this post made. Plus, it's on my mind. So, here it is.

My mom fucking rocked. And not just slightly. A whole hell of a lot.

Mom was a depression-era kid whose dad helped bring unionization to the steel mills and whose mom filled WWII shells with Tetryl powder.

Charlsie was most often described as WISE. Even though she didn't have "book smarts" beyond two years of community college (which was a source of great stress for her, and the reason my advanced degrees were a source of great pride for her), she read everything she could get her hands on and was a brilliant, gifted, yet sometimes "hillbilly" philosopher who spent the majority of her adult life as a world-renowned astrologer with thousands of clients.

Yep. It's true. I grew up a Montessori kid in a single-parent New Age household in the '70s. I was there while my mom studied A Course in Miracles, I was trained in the practice of Reiki before I was 13, and I knew that my Venus was afflicted in Leo before I was sure whether or not Santa existed. My mom was invited to be a part of Oprah Winfrey's big "remembering your spirit" initiative in the late '90s. You remember--when she had John Gray and Iyanla Vanzant and Les Brown and Deepak Chopra on all the time? Yeah. Mom was their peer. And her ego--her lack of formal education and the shame that comes with having a gift you can't back up with a degree--kept her from saying yes. Well... that, plus the fact that she was never a very public person. That was my job.

Anyway. I'm writing all of this now because the lovely Annie Wood posted a comment at the MySpace version of my blog not too long ago, mentioning that she would've loved to have met my mom. And, well, truth be told, Keith mentions about once every few weeks how much he wishes he could've met my mom. Frankly, she was one fascinating, beautiful, wise, wonderful, soul-filled, hungry-for-knowledge, optimistic, giving, stubborn woman. And I wish that all y'all could've met her.

And not just because that would mean that she would still be around for the meeting. ;) Moreover because I think that a huge part of who I am--duh, this probably goes without saying and is true for all creatures--is so completely tied up in who she was. I mean, I have this very simple, artistically-gifted, handsome dad (and I'm grateful for having his eyes, his bone structure, his cool-as-ice-logic, his talent for all things performance-related--if not as grateful for having his side of the family's enormous ass-and-thigh spread) with whom I spent very little time... and then I have this incredibly complex "country" mom who became more worldly than I might ever be--and I mean that in the sense of *understanding* the world, not experiencing it.

I remember being in my late teens and having friends who appreciated Mom's gifts far more than I had ever appreciated them (at that point--which was mainly due to having tried to fit in in a school where I was the Andie to the Pretty in Pink world of richies who were nice enough to let me attend their excellent school even though I lived a hair over the tracks from jurisdiction and was one of the only kids there with only one parent and zero trust fund) and saying, "Well, I guess I never realized that--when I got parental advice from Mom--I wasn't just getting 'there, there' type advice, but instead was getting an understanding of the 'Fairy Godmother Complex' in my chart or the 'Fairness Voice' caused by having both rising and moon in Libra."

And every year, when I would come home on a break from school or "life in LA" and sit across from Mom in the bear-chairs I would eventually give to my favorite ex-boyfriend Chip and roll tape to get a reading, I would value it less for what she was telling me as an astrologer and more for just getting to sit with my mom for hours on end, talking about EVERYTHING and why it felt the way it felt (at some deeper level than just because "that's how it feels").

When I feel how very hard it is sometimes (not often--I'm actually pretty dang balanced, as humans go) to just live this creative life, I wish so hard that I had another hour with my mom. Not just because she would pet my head or baby talk me or tell me I was perfect or any of those things that moms do for their baby girls, but because she would tell me to watch out for Mercury Retrograde coming up or look at the chart of a colleague and say, "Girl! Watch out! This guy is a wannabe player-slash-liar who will end up promising you the spoils of worlds he'll only ever get access to because of his affiliation with you."

Most importantly, I never worried that my mom wondered how much she was loved. I grew up in a home where "I love you" was uttered more frequently than any other phrase. And meant... every single time. We simply didn't part ways with anyone wondering whether she was loved. What a gift! And as much as I would cherish another hour with my momma, I have to say I wouldn't trade anything that we already had together--or that we still have together cosmically--for anything.

It's all been that damn good. And that's what's important.

Related posts: here, here, here, here, here, here, and here (among others, but that'll get you started). ;) Thank you--in advance--everyone who always gives me such amazing support with this type of post. It's just my way of getting a little therapy via 1's and 0's. So, thank you. Again.

Posted by bonnie at 1:21 AM | Comments (4)

April 4, 2008

Eff the Net!

Oh, okay. NOW I get it.

So, I had been asking dearest besties why it is I'm so angry lately.

(It's really flippin' annoying. I've been a big-ass ball of rage for about two months and while I want to blame it on dieting--since I can't blame it on Keith anymore (he's been almost perfect, lately)--I can't really figure out what the eff has made me so "default mode: bitchcakes" lately. REALLY not fun.)

Well, y'know, I've been off message boards for like three months now.

I guess I never realized how much of my angries need to get out via Internet rage! I NEED to be angry at a troll or a spammer or a scammer! I NEED to be pissed at a poseur! A-ha!!

Without this outlet, there is nothing but the REAL people in my REAL life and suddenly I'm skating on the edge and being MAD like all the flippin' time!!! (Okay, that's an exaggeration. It's more like a tenth of my days, but that's enough to be really annoying and confounding. I like to be the happy. I idle at feeling really damn good.)

So, apparently, some part of me knew that's what I needed and I signed on to Yahoo! Answers (after a Google Alert sent me to a question about Showfax membership). I answered that question and then realized I could earn points by answering more. Hello, addiction? Here's a fix! I'm sooooooooooo there, OCD. Thankee.

(Not like I have other shit to do, right? Um, hi. Casting four films, producing a showcase, updating the top-selling book, writing the weekly column, exec-producing a film and a web-series. Okay. Hi. Life?)

And then today I had the audacity to answer a question about a blog where a guy posts copyrighted information about auditions (and all I did was say that this type of thing--even if it doesn't ask for money from actors--can qualify as a "scam" because it's reproducing copyrighted information, distributing it worldwide, and giving wannabe actors the impression that they've got a shot at roles that are being cast exclusively via agent-casting director relationships and such, not even going out on public breakdowns *within* the industry, much less on a BLOGSPOT blog).

Oops.

Now I'm being hit with:

If you see castingq's other answers, she says "I write a weekly column for actors and have also written several acting books." That sounds like the scam to me. Casting Directors selling books, and taking big money to do those "cold reading workshops". Cause casting directors like to take money from actors too.

GAWD casting directors can be SO ANAL!

and:

castinq's is Bonnie Gillespie. And yeah all she is about is selling books.

and:

It's pretty pathetic that Bonnie Gillespe comes in here and bashes Alan. He has been in here for ages helping us with all kinds of answers, then she comes in here and acts ike a know it all. Check out her page at IMDb......

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1024379/

She has hardly cast anything and she writes all these books and does seminars. Look like shes ony into making money. What a joke.

(Hey, buddy, thanks for driving up my StarMeter! Woo! Yay!)

Wow.

Suddenly, I'm reminded why I dialed back my interaction with web-boards earlier this year... but now it's making TONS of sense why I'm feeling so much RAGE about nothing to rage about, because obviously I used to have an outlet (haters, poseurs, wannabes, shills on any number of web-boards) and now I just have my REAL life, which has no space for anger.

But the emotion has to go somewhere, right?

Ah, I get it! I get it!

Thank you, silly question about whether someone's copyright-infringement-filled blog is a scam and my knee-jerk reaction to answer that it might be, if it's ripping anyone else off or providing false hope. Thank you for subjecting me to the hate that's out there--a delicious reminder about why I like the REAL LIFE so, so, so much better.

And now, finally, an understanding of WHY this built-up energy hasn't had a good place to go in too many months.

Maybe I'll take up masturbating.

I mean, really!

Posted by bonnie at 6:18 PM | Comments (6)

February 18, 2008

I don't like it.

There is one thing in this world my husband loves more than me. That's his son, Quinn.

So, when Quinn's mom and Keith divorced seven years ago, they worked out all sorts of neat things like "reasonable visitation" (which will, within the next couple of years--thankfully--mean Quinn comes to live with us and then goes to see his mom every summer for a few weeks) and weekly phone calls.

Weekly. Phone. Calls.

And one of the things Keith looks forward to more than anything in the world is his every-Sunday chat with his growing son. They talk about everything from what Quinn is doing in school to what's on TV, from the weather to pets, from responsibility to tough choices.

And Keith hasn't had a conversation with his son in a month now.

Yup. A dozen unreturned phone calls.

Messages left, week after week, "Hi, this is Keith. Just calling to talk to Quinn. Have him call me when he gets in. Thanks."

And nothing.

NOTHING.

I get it. I know it's gotta be tough to manage a family and work and life. And Quinn's getting old enough that he may not even want to talk to his dad anymore. Fine. Let him tell his dad that. When Quinn is here and doesn't want to call his mom, we tell him it's the right thing to do... that she misses him and he needs to call her even just to say hello. That's good parenting. A nine-year-old is not in charge of things.

So, today, when Keith called and was told by--not sure--either a babysitter or Quinn's teenage step-sister that Quinn was in the shower and that he should call him back in 15 minutes, Keith did as instructed.

And when the next call went unanswered... repeatedly... Keith became sad. Not mad. Sad. Depressed. I encouraged him to call again. He did... repeatedly... and finally the teenager on the phone clicked over and said, "I am ON THE PHONE with my driving instructor! He will CALL YOU BACK!"

Guess what?

Tick-tock, tick-tock, it's getting more and more past Quinn's bedtime and no one is calling back.

So Keith calls again... repeatedly... and no one answers. No one clicks over. No one but me gets to witness the emotional torture Quinn's father is enduring.

Sadder still, I don't think anyone else fucking cares.

Sorry, Quinn's mom. I know you hate it when I blog about you or your family or your choices, but this is getting ridiculous. And it HURTS ME, as an adult child of divorce who CRAVED to know that her non-local parent even thought about her, ever.

So, I am blogging to make sure that when Quinn is ready to read about it, he can be sure--100% sure--that his father thinks about him every day, talks about him every day, fights to spend MORE time with him, is desperately sad that no one bothered to send us school photos this year, and CALLS HIM EVERY GOD DAMNED WEEK, whether he ever gets the message or not. Whether he is ever *parented* in such a way that calls are returned because THAT IS THE DEAL or not.

I remember being nine. I remember not wanting anything to do with my dad. And I remember how much it fed my soul to get to know that he loved me so much it made him ache to be away from me.

I don't want to think about Quinn, 30 years from now--crying like I am right now as I write this--because he was robbed of knowing how much his father missed him.

Posted by bonnie at 11:11 PM

January 21, 2008

I so love my life.

That is all.

Posted by bonnie at 5:03 PM | Comments (0)

December 28, 2007

Dear Mom,

I miss you.

Charlsie Simonds, Maxine Simonds, 1935 THEN Charlsie Gillespie, Maxine Simonds, 1951 (assuming the photo was taken after Mom's wedding ceremony)

When we last held each other and spoke, I was an actress with a cool little survival job, interviewing casting directors for Back Stage West.

Charlsie Gillespie, 1958

I am now an author, a columnist, a casting director, a public speaker, a *gulp* producer.

Charlsie Gillespie, Bonnie Gillespie, Cleo Simonds, 1970

When we last held each other and spoke, I was a single gal, living in a studio apartment in Miracle Mile, pet-sitting as often as possible to get time with animals and in residences larger than one room.

Charlsie Gillespie, Bonnie Gillespie, 1984

I am now a married step-mother with custody of your cats (plus one of my own), living in a gorgeous two-bedroom ocean-view home just seven blocks from that very same ocean, happy to work from here, because "here" is so lovely.

Bonnie Gillespie, Charlsie Gillespie, 1988

When we last held each other and spoke, I was driving a super-cute 1990 Mazda Miata that I bought all by myself on my 19th birthday.

Bonnie Gillespie, Charlsie Gillespie, 1989

Some things never change. Hee! I do love that cute TicTac car (leaks and all)!

Charlsie Gillespie, 1995

When we last held each other and spoke, I had come to the North Georgia Mountains to take care of you in your last days before pancreatic cancer would end you.

Bonnie Gillespie, Charlsie Gillespie
THEN
Art Weaver, Charlsie Simonds-Weaver, 1997

My last trip to Georgia was over three years ago, when I cast a TV show for E! and I have no plans to go back.

Bonnie Gillespie, Charlsie Simonds-Weaver, 1997

When we last held each other and spoke, I had been living in LA just under two years (after having done a 13-month stint in LA between undergrad and grad school).

Art Weaver, Bonnie Gillespie, Charlsie Simonds-Weaver, 1998

Tomorrow will mark my ninth anniversary (this time) in LA. I'm a local. I can't imagine living anywhere else. I love this place and it loves me.

Bill Gillespie, Bonnie Gillespie, Charlsie Simonds-Weaver, Kenneth Gillespie, 2000

When we last held each other and spoke, there was so much uncertainty in my life.

I guess there still is.

But I'm better-equipped to handle it, it seems.

It's like--when you died seven years ago this morning--you were put in a much better position to direct traffic into and out of my life. And I always, always feel as though we are holding each other and speaking.

I just have to get quiet enough to recognize that truth sometimes.

I was happy then. I am happy now. You raised a happy child, Mom. What more could a mother want?

Posted by bonnie at 8:01 AM | Comments (5)

October 18, 2007

Y'know what?

Screw it.

I'm so over trying that I'm just ready to declare, "I give the fuck up!"

Seriously.

This fixing a hole business is hard. It's hard. It's hard.

And the fact that the world doesn't back the fuck off while I'm doing some really important healing stuff just makes me mad.

And that's a part of the "hole" problem in the first place.

God, I love irony!

Posted by bonnie at 8:19 PM | Comments (3)

May 11, 2007

Dear Momma,

I miss you. I know you know that, but I have to say it. I miss you every moment of every day and, while there's this part of me that knows you are totally in on all the jokes now and you see everything that I'm doing in life and you support and encourage me now as ever, there's this other part of me that's totally selfish.

Yes. Missing you like this is selfish.

Because it's not that I need to know you love me and are with me (because I do know that. I know it at my very core), it's that I need to ask you questions. I want your advice. I want to hear your voice, feel comforted, and sometimes roll my eyes when you advise me in ways I'm SURE I know better (and all those other things that defiant daughters do).

*sigh*

I'll be fine. I'm just feeling this more than I seem to have felt it before. And you'd think it'd get easier each year, right? Ugh. Guess not.

I just miss you, Momma. Just a bunch.

Glad I don't mind crying. I'm doing that a lot.

Posted by bonnie at 11:52 PM | Comments (2)

May 10, 2007

We'll miss you, Aunt Bonnie.

For most members of my family, my arrival created the need for distinguishing between "Big Bonnie" and "Little Bonnie."

And today, "Big Bonnie" passed away... at the age of 98.

That tiny pic (Sheesh, we scanned 'em itty-bitty a zillion years ago, didn't we?) is from a visit in 1990. Man, I love my Aunt Bonnie! She was just always so funny and irreverent (hell, like most of us in this family) and SUCH a survivor (polio, anyone?) that I've always admired her. Still do.

And now she's gone to visit my mom on the day before what would've been Momma's birthday.

I'm sad. But in that good way that includes being so very aware that I'm immensely lucky to have had such wonderful women in my life, in my family, in my heart for so much of MY time here.

Goodbye, Aunt Bonnie. I never got tired of hearing you tell the story of how I'm named after you. It has been (and will continue to be) an honor.

Posted by bonnie at 11:49 AM | Comments (6)

April 23, 2007

Ooh, hello ego. How ya feelin'? Ouch!

Okay, so I'm trying to format today's column and get it all linked up to stuff I reference and I head over to my recommended reading list for working actors at Amazon.com. Yes, I make no bones about the fact that each of my recommended reading lists exists to help promote my books. BFD.

So, while I'm grabbing the link that I need, I see this COMMENT on one of the stellar reviews received by Self-Management for Actors, wherein the commenter slams my reviewers (Eh?) for not sharing how they've specifically used anything from my book in their careers and then slams "the author/publisher" because we've "not seen fit to share any of the contents here on Amazon."

Oooooooookay.

I guess I figure giving away as many copies of the book as we sell, plus writing a free weekly column for actors should be more than enough to get content-awareness up. And, beyond that, there's all of the free speaking engagements* in which I, well, engage.

Besides, have you READ the Conditions and Terms of Service Agreement for allowing the Amazon.com "Search Inside the Book" program to feature your work? YOU LOSE RIGHTS TO IT.

Believe me, I am not a stickler for clutching my copyright as if my life depended on it. (Some say I am far too loose with my personal stance on publication freedom, in fact.) So if *I* find the terms objectionable, you have to KNOW they're pretty freakin' invasive.

But whatever, that's not what got my hackles raised. I just saw this post and then noticed that there were more votes for "NO" on "This review was helpful" throughout the pages of reviews for Self-Management for Actors than had been there before.

WTF?

You don't like that I'm not sharing content on Amazon.com so you go click NO on all of the review ratings buttons?

Wow. Okay.

So, that was interesting. I finished tagging my column and turned it in (late--I'm so freakin' exhausted with all of the last-minute showcase-related stuff going on**) and then realized that, as I well know, getting "bad press" (which this SO isn't, in the grand scheme of things) comes with getting "good press" (which I get so so SO much more of--and from much bigger "sources" than anonymous comments on Internet book reviews). *snark*

And if I love the love I get, I have to love the hate I get... because it's all a part of the same machine. And I'm building an empire here. I gots more important stuff to do than waste energy on the stupid stuff.

* Spoke at a way cool bicoastal monologue/scene festival thingy yesterday with some major high-profile agents, managers, and CDs who laughed at me when I gave away books to all of the actors in the festival. The fellow CD said, "Honey, you're new so you don't know this. You're not supposed to give things to ACTORS. They're supposed to give YOU things." It was a hoot and a blast and I never knew I had a fan at BenderSpink. That's fucking rockstar cool.

** Had our preview performance yesterday morning before I went to the festival thingy and HOLY CRAP does this showcase ROCK! OMG! I am NOT kidding you! This thing is FUNNY and FAST and BRILLIANT. I love this cast SO MUCH!!!!!!! Oh, what a great week this is gonna be!

Now when do we get to have celebratory playtime? Huh? Cast party? Anyone? Oh wait... nap first. Zzzzzz.

Posted by bonnie at 8:35 AM | Comments (2)

February 28, 2007

Touched. Inspired. Moved. THANK YOU.

Where do I begin?

I have so much emotion about the outpouring of love, vibes, well-wishing, prayers, and donations that have come in for our lovely Uma in such a short period of time.

And in a dozen hours or so, I'll be rolling out a BIG ANNOUNCEMENT about a major fundraising event that is a mitzvah on the part of an amazingly talented actor friend. OH, HOW I LOVE THE INTERNET!!

As I keep an eye on the Uma-Meter over at TheUmaFund.blogspot.com, I am in awe. I see the names of friends and loved ones who I know would reach out to take care of me if ever I were in need... and they're all reaching out and taking care of Uma... because her story is so touching and they all want to see OUR friend come home.

It's like we've all adopted Uma (and she is sooooooo going to kick our asses over all of this fuss). I sincerely cannot wait for her to bust our chops about it all. Bring it, Urp. Bring it!

Posted by bonnie at 12:03 AM | Comments (0)

February 18, 2007

Being in love...

Being in love is a beautiful, wonderful, blissful thing.

And whenever I answer a meme about my love life, the answer to: "ever been in love?" is always: "constantly." Because I don't know how to NOT be in love.

I love my friends. I love boys... lots of 'em. I especially love my hubby and his brilliant son. I also love all of my best-best friends... and those folks may or may not understand how important they are to me on a daily basis.

Point is, I'm constantly in love. And what the hell can be wrong with that?

Posted by bonnie at 11:52 PM | Comments (2)

February 3, 2007

The End of an Era

Fun fact that most folks don't know about me. Until yesterday, I still had an "actor survival job." Yup. In 1999, one of MANY gigs I got through the Job Factory was a very long-term freelance web design assignment for a small college textbook publishing company in West LA.

roxlogo.gif

And while I put in fewer and fewer hours per week over the past seven and a half years, it was very comforting to know that if "this showbiz thing" didn't work out, I could always step up my work there and make rent. Or whatever.

So, yesterday morning, we were all summoned to the office for a meeting. We all had the feeling this wouldn't be a good thing, as we had been asked to do a LOT of work in the past six weeks to provide information to "investors" who were looking to buy a minority share in the company.

Yeah. That didn't work out the way we'd hoped it would. And the company has now been sold to a major international corporation. And we are all out of a job.

Now, of course I'm bummed to not have that safety net, but I'm far more sad for those employees for whom this was their JOB-JOB for as many as 21 years! Suddenly there's no more job. No more health insurance. No more nothin'. And no notice. Really shitty way to go out, y'know? And even if you know it's likely to happen, that's not cool to experience. Of course, so many people have been downsized. They've gone through this. Well, this was my first time ever in life "getting fired" or "being let go" or whatever. And the vibe in the room was one of shock, grief, and flat-out pissed-offness.

But as if the universe knew that I would like a little reassurance that "I'll be okay," on Wednesday night (about 14 hours before "the big meeting"), I got a call about a casting-and-writing-related opportunity that is pretty global in scope, way high-profile, and (presumably, potentially) very high-paying. So, thank you, dear universe, for making sure I would feel "more okay" than if I hadn't received that call at that time.

So, universe... for those who didn't get that kind of reassurance yet, could you show 'em a little love? Show them that an unexpected major life change can often be an opportunity to finally live your dreams!

927043402_l.jpg

And while I'm asking for stuff, please take care of the lovely Uma, whose ruptured brain aneurysm has her in a medically-induced coma in the neurological ICU. As the blood drains from around her brain, she can be brought out of the coma and head into rehab and recovery. As KiKi said, "Uma is a fuckin' fighter." Man, that's the truth. I am keeping her in my prayers and hope BonBlogs readers will all do the same.

Posted by bonnie at 12:06 AM | Comments (7)

December 13, 2006

I'm just gonna choose to see the positive.

It's been a rough 12 hours. News of stolen cars, stolen purses, stolen cell phones, and the burning down of my stepfather's house (yes, the house he and my mother shared until her death six years ago).

Part of me wants to just cry. Use this ball of emotions as an excuse to launch into my annual "I miss my mom" funk. And another part of me wants to remind that part of me that in all of this "bad" news I've gotten in the past half-day, not one person has been hurt. Only inconvenienced.

And that's what I'm going to focus on. Everyone is okay. Lost stuff is just "stuff." Sure, there's supposedly "irreplaceable" stuff in some cases, but all that is truly irreplaceable is our very spirit... and I choose to raise mine up find peace in all of this.

And continue my work. Embracing the fact that I am very lucky to have good work to do. It's a blessing. And that everyone is okay is what matters.

Posted by bonnie at 12:58 PM | Comments (5)

September 3, 2006

Taking a Break

I've been bitching too much lately. I've been complaining. A lot. I've been seeing the negative in the world and that's seriously not like me 90% of the time. So, it's getting annoying (and I'm sure not just to me).

bitchandwine.gif

I've also been craving drinks. Not just drinking socially. Not just overindulging. Craving. And I can't tell if it's a temporary physical need that comes from an emotional desire to escape or if it's the beginning of a problem.

bitchwinebtl.jpg

But let me state for the record: I love drinking. Love it. I think it's fun and social and cool and one of the best parts of being a responsible adult who works freelance. I'm not like a college kid who can't wait for the weekend to go out and par-tay. I like the celebration of the every day. And I like being able to shut my brain off sometimes too.

sobriety.jpg

But I'm tired of complaining. I'm tired of needing a drink to escape from the things that make me want to complain. And I'd like to give my diet and exercise regimen a chance to have some results. I remember noticing how great a friend looked after a few months of diet and exercise (I won't out him, here) and having him counter with, "I had to take a break from drinking to really get the results I wanted." I admired his self-discipline.

So, with just over 100 days left in the year (and remembering how I completely changed my body and my spirit in as much time eight years ago), I'm considering doing a major self-improvement campaign. I already exercise every day. I eat gluten-free and drink tons of water. I don't drink sodas or coffee or any of those things that tend to derail people. I'm currently the healthiest I have ever been, despite being a good 50 pounds overweight. My heart, my lungs, my knees, my endurance... all outstanding. Hair and nails strong and long. Skin flawless. And I am blessed with a kick-ass hourglass figure, even though it needs to reduce by about 20%. I don't have "problem areas." I'm just a big girl.

Here's the thing though. I can't tell if I need to do a T-totaller "give up drinking for the rest of the year" thing or if I can do like I did eight years ago and give myself "reward days" every now and then (days on which I can be less strict in all areas--food, drink, exercise requirements). I kind of like the idea of forcing myself to be 100% for 100 days, but I also can't imagine that it's a practical expectation. What I DON'T want to do is decide to be "perfect" then choose to have a night off and turn that into an excuse (ala: "I failed. I suck. Screw it. It's all over").

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Man! I just feel so good even imagining doing 100 perfect days. It was such an amazing thing, watching my body change when I did a 100-day campaign in '98 (note: I did not do 100 "perfect" days back then... but I also had a very different lifestyle, being a full-time PhD student at the time).

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What to do, what to do? Hmm. I guess I'll just start with one day and see how that feels. I guess I'm blogging about this as a way of holding my feet to the fire (although I can already tell I'll get annoyed by questions of, "Hey, how's that 100-day thing going?" if things AREN'T going well... so, I'm not sure what my plan is. Maybe I don't have a plan. Maybe I'm looking for suggestions? Hell... I'm just glad I'm not bitching in this entry. I am sooooooo over the complaining. That is a BAD habit, for sure).

Posted by bonnie at 12:55 AM | Comments (5)

May 10, 2006

Oh! That's what this is.

Wow. It's so weird. I was just toodling along, going through the submissions on the film I'm casting, when BAM! Something went wonky. My emotions started flying all over the place and I couldn't for the life of me understand what would make me so completely fly off the grid.

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Ah yes. 11 May 2006 would've been my mother's 73rd birthday. There ya go.

Even though it does, somehow, get less heart-wrenching each year, I guess there are going to be days when it just slices right through my heart that I had to lose my mom when I was 30.

I know, I know! I had her for THIRTY YEARS. Some daughters get nothing close to that with their moms... or if they do, they don't have the CLOSENESS that we did. Damn, we were so so so so close. She was SUCH my best friend. And my therapist. And my mentor. And my MOM, dammit.

Ugh.

So, now that I GET why I'm suddenly a basketcase, I can get through it and continue on. Because that's what Charlsie's only daughter would do, right? Absofuckinglutely!

Posted by bonnie at 11:04 PM | Comments (9)

April 8, 2006

I miss...

my mom.

That is all.

Posted by bonnie at 8:56 AM | Comments (9)

April 4, 2006

Typical

Lots of work. Amazingly productive. Swirls of activity that inspire and floor me.

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Followed by a tiny smack to the ego, a disproportional emotional crash, and the overwhelming thud of sleepiness.

At least this pattern has become predictable.

Figured I'd blog about it since I'm nothing if not open about my process. Perhaps it may help someone to know that even those of us on the path to world domination get the funk from time to time... and then choose to go to bed. Right, CoCo?

Yes, even insomniacs hibernate every now and then. ;) It's fun! G'nite. Zzzzz....

Posted by bonnie at 10:28 PM | Comments (0)

March 27, 2006

Fuck You, High Road

I don't always like you.

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But I'm going to take you.

My husband, on the other hand, will be meeting me on the other side of this mountain after having kicked someone's ass all the way down that low road.

Posted by bonnie at 11:09 PM | Comments (3)

January 21, 2006

OMG. I finally get it.

So, today was officially the castingest day EVER. I spent hours importing footage from films I've cast* in order to edit down my official casting demo reel. Lots of editing still to do, but what a happy job that is!

Meanwhile, I am putting final notes together for the next several casting gigs, details of which should be available in the next couple of weeks. Rock ON!

Okay, so where's the "I finally get it" stuff coming into play?

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Well, as I watch the rough footage from these films I've cast (for the umpteenth time), I see imperfections. Typical. Same as when I reread my columns and get bummed out to find a typo or misplaced modifier or (*shudder*) split infinitive. It's just ugly. But it's human.

Okay, so at one point, I take a (well-earned) break. I'm looking at the cover art from one of the films' DVDs. It's gorgeous. And, reflecting back on how I felt the VERY VERY VERY first time I saw footage from this film, I felt truly flutter-filled with joy. I then thought, "Aw. It's a dayum shame that, the more I've looked at it, the more of its flaws I somehow see."

wheels turn... smoke pours from ears...

Wait a sec. What have I seen more of IN LIFE? What have I spent MOST OF MY LIFE focused on, simply due to the fact that I've had the most constant exposure to it?

That'd be ME.

Holy crap. Is a big part of the reason I see so many flaws in myself the very fact that I keep LOOKING? And perhaps those who consume only a fraction of me truly do have a much more balanced perspective on what my WHOLE is?

Just a load of thoughts, on a Saturday. Next time I get hyper-self-critical, perhaps I can just remember to take a dose of ANYTHING ELSE long enough to shift my perspective. Then realize, hey, I'm not that bad.

< Ali > Word. < /Ali >

* Have I mentioned how happy I am to finally have footage from even a FEW of the films I've cast by now?

Posted by bonnie at 11:23 PM | Comments (10)

January 14, 2006

Opposite of Grace

What's the opposite of grace?

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I put spiritual grace above most things. I like to endure hardships (if I must) with grace and an open heart. So why is it that, physically, I am the opposite of grace-filled?

My body has been taking a beating so far in this short year. A couple of weeks ago, I slammed into a railing in the courtyard, putting an enormous, deep, long-lasting bruise on my upper arm. Last night, I not only arrived late for the screening (something that already had me unhappy, seeing as being late is about the rudest thing I can think of), but I slammed my wrist into a column on the wall. Hard. Talk about making an entrance!

So, I'm already feeling self-conscious and too fat to go out in public among the cute Hollywood people and I arrive late and make everyone in the room look at me as soon as I walk in, by hitting the wall so hard. Fine. Breathe. Enjoy the movie. Love the performances. Soak in the happy feelings of having put together another amazing cast. So, the movie's over and I walk out of our row and into the aisle. I'm hugging a couple of the actors, thanking them for making me look good, and then I step back to introduce Keith. As I step back, my heel goes off the step and down I go, backwards, all the way down the stairs and flat on my ass, then shoulder, then head. I land and squeal, "Wheeee!" It's the only thing I could think of.

Now, my mom had what she called an "embarrassment karma" issue. She would muster up all of the courage it took to go out in public and then find a way to embarrass herself once there. I thought about that, as I remained on the floor, gathering up the shards of my pride before attempting to stand again. Ugh. Nothing so humiliating as an ego smackdown.

But I'm human, and accidents happen, and I moved forward with grace (I hope) to make up for the lack of grace I have, physically.

But I'm left thinking about Mom and her issues. I'm left wondering why I'm beating myself up so much right now and whether I'm simply externalizing the self-loathing that exists within or I'm attempting to break myself down to slow the progress I'm facing on other levels. Like maybe I don't deserve my career success? Or the amazing relationships I've developed? What on Earth could this be about?

Hell, maybe I'm just a klutz. But I like to look at life a little more deeply than that. Blame Charlsie. Mom could analyze a freckle on a flea. *sigh* I don't know. I'm conflicted. And I'm dressing in bubble wrap from here on out.

Posted by bonnie at 7:59 AM | Comments (5)

December 29, 2005

Oh Thank God

News regarding Eric Gelman's killer:

Transient Arrested For Stabbing Death Of Waiter.

Thank God.

We miss you, Eric.

Posted by bonnie at 7:16 PM | Comments (1)

December 16, 2005

Synchronicity

There is something so beautiful about the way life works sometimes.

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We make a casting decision late today on Still of the Night and I call the actor's agent. The voicemail has already been switched on, indicating the agency (one of the biggies) is closed until 4 January 2006. I don't HAVE to have this guy's contract locked today, but I sure as hell need him to know the offer has been made, get at least a verbal yes, and move forward in good faith with letting the non-cast actors' representatives know status.

I go to IMDB-Pro to look up this actor's manager info. Nope. Wrong info. Call the management company, whose employees have never heard of him... obviously outdated info. Fine. Call the attorney of record (for no reason other than to be SURE that someone, somewhere knows an offer is coming over). Leave a message with assistant.

Exhale. This may be as far as I can get with this deal this year.

Couple of hours later, phone rings... it's the attorney. I give him all of the info about the project, he says he'll do his best to get the info to his client, just so that we can know if he's even going to be available to do it (he's a series regular on a hot new show right now), we joke about how we're still busy at work at dark on the day when everyone in Hollywood left town at noon for the rest of the year. Hee hee, ho ho, good convo. Six minutes, tops.

One of the things he says, at the end of the conversation, is that he's very well-versed (surprisingly) in indie film deals, seeing as he reps a few producers and has built more than a few distribution deals, writer packaging, blah blah blah, and maybe we should get to know each other better.

Yes.

Let's do that. I tell him I'm just about to hit my three-year mark with casting, the next film I've got on my plate is a $2M feature film that I'm just really excited about, I'm movin' on up, yada yada, and it might be a good time for me to take a meeting at this level.

Why NOT have someone who is PAID (commission) to read scripts and negotiate my casting deals for me? Why NOT?!?

I'm sooooo in.

Oh, and a footnote... the owner of the big-deal agency that had been closed a few hours earlier just called me on his cell to give me a verbal yes on the deal, let me know how much his client loved auditioning for me and specifically for this project, and that we'll do the paperwork in the new year, "Tell Gary Marsh that I love him when you have dinner with him next week," and so on.

Life... she is goooooooooooooooood.

AND--Keith is on his way home with well-reviewed gluten-free pizza crust so that I can have something I've been craving (but finding unsatisfactory) for the year I've been gluten-free. Yippee! I just LOVE it when it all comes together! Thanks, universe! You rock!

Posted by bonnie at 5:59 PM | Comments (1)

December 12, 2005

So, why?

Okay, so I've been asked about The Sum of All Years project and how it is I've decided to (over) share so much. Well, I look at it this way.

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I'm a public person. I'm out about my damage (after having not been for so many years). And there are people who live everyday lives and have walked the same trail of tears I have, when younger, and never feel they'll be enough. And maybe I can help. Maybe I can prove that you can have everything go wrong and still make it. Or that you can appear as though you've done everything right and still have a shadow self (and that there's nothing wrong with that). Heck, maybe it's all about giving me an excuse for my mid-life damage, airing all of the "back then" BS. I don't know! And maybe I don't have to know.

What I like about this project is that it's about an autobiography. That's why I can't leave anything out. Yes, you could wait 'til I'm dead and dig up my unshared writings and learn whose fingerprints have been on my life... or I could own it now and say, "And y'know what? I'm STILL OKAY."

Nothing wrong with that.

It may be totally narcissistic, but it could also be liberating to others. I'm human. I'm broken. And I still happen to do just fine, thank you.

Posted by bonnie at 7:47 PM | Comments (3)

Happy Casting Director

So, y'know I love to brag about the amazing casts I bring together for such GREAT films, right? Well... this one is different. Last night, I attended the World Premiere of Queen of Cactus Cove with the cast, crew, and our families.

And I cried.

Yes, I always cry when I see a film I've cast (and that's been four that have actually had public screenings thus far--another four not yet filmed, the other nine still in post), but this film was BEAUTIFUL. I am in awe of the cinamatography, the brilliant direction, perfect writing, and natural acting. Hell, to single elements out is unfair to the whole film--which is PERFECT. I was so giddy after the screening. I hugged the actors who turned out for the screening and gushed about how they made me look brilliant for casting them. Man... this is EXACTLY why I do this job.

And today I spoke with a friend/filmmaker/writer/actor who told me he is paying his casting director $10K to cast his film. Yeah. Y'know what... I'm going to start getting paid better in 2006. Starting up with HILMMAKS is a good launchpad. Man, the feedback on this script is amazing. I'm so happy to be casting it.

In other news, MCJ was here for a visit and it rocked. We had friends over for fun, drinks, games, and loads of gossip. And some emotions... Yeah. Did you know that when I drink I'm emotional? Oh, wait... did you know that when I breathe I'm emotional? Damn Cancer-the-Crab stuff. Oh well, in the company of good friends, it's all okay.

Okay, so I wasn't able to make the final casting offers as scheduled for Still of the Night, so I'll do those tomorrow (I hope). The book is at the printer, and that's a big sigh of relief. Keith is averaging about six national commercial auditions (and one callback) per week lately. It's just a matter of time. Rock on!

Posted by bonnie at 6:59 PM | Comments (0)

December 8, 2005

Grr

Y'ever just get really OVER all of the shiite that you can't control, fix, or otherwise influence in any meaningful way?

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Seriously. Keith's over there chanting the Serenity Prayer to me and I'm like, "I CAN change this stuff, if these fuckers will just GET OUT OF MY WAY!"

*sigh*

Serenity my ass.

Posted by bonnie at 6:36 PM | Comments (2)

December 2, 2005

Happy Dance

Tonight, for the first time in MONTHS, there will be a gathering of the Ladies of the Gimlet. Yippee!

That's right... it's finally time for a Gimlet Night! This time: Cranberry Ginger Cosmos and gluten-free baked goods. Of course, the hours and hours of talking, laughing, and pontificating are standard fare. Heeeeeee! Can't wait to see my best girlfriends!

And...

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To get you into the holiday spirit, sister Liz has sent a photo of Luke in a Kings' Xmas cap. Hey--animal lovers, keep Joseph in your warm, loving thoughts. Tomorrow is likely to be his last day here. :( Go in peace, sweet Joe. {{{hugs to the fam}}}

Posted by bonnie at 12:11 PM | Comments (0)

November 29, 2005

Observation/Warning

I'm going to make an observation about the process of taking on The Sum of All Years project.

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It's more like therapy than I'd anticipated it would be. And it's hard to distill each year down to its most... what? Most life-defining? Most memorable? Most exciting? Most wish I could forget it? Most still a part of me? Most what I've conquered? Most how I now see myself... events. I still don't know. And I'll save most of my postmortem for, well, after.

Just know, if you take on this challenge (as many of you have said you'll do), you'll likely find some truths about yourself that you didn't think you'd ever make public (and wonder what the agenda has been in keeping things to yourself... as well as what the agenda may be in revealing them now), and you'll learn you're both more and less broken than perhaps you thought you were.

Again, more at the end. Just wanted to get that out there, as fair warning for anyone taking on the project.

A part of me wants to stop. A part of me cannot. A part of me must. A part of me will not.

Thanks for reading, just the same.

Posted by bonnie at 10:15 PM | Comments (3)

November 15, 2005

How To Fix a Sucky Mood

Step one: Go to bed way early and sleep as long as possible before you have to get up to start your exhaustingly long day.

Step two: Check email before dashing out the door and read all of the awesome, brilliant, loving, funny, and supportive comments left at your blog from when you bitched about being rubbed the wrong way so much you feel like a new hooker's practice dildo.

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Step three:

Step four: Baby-talk kitties and have them show bellies off as if to say, "If you wanted to stay home all day and play with us, that would be okay too."

Step five: Ask hubby to print out directions to the two locations for the day's casting activities and don't notice 'til you're in the car that he used the little memo field that MapQuest provides to type love-notes.

Step six: Drive your kick-ass sixteen-year-old car really fast and zippy-like, showing all of the SUVs and Beemers how the twists and turns on Sunset west of The 405 are *really* done.

Step seven: Find a run of like five great songs in a row on various morning radio stations, all worth singing along to. Loudly.

Step eight: Have a good day of casting in which everything runs (mostly) without a hitch and after which your taste is praised and all of the BS that looked like it might go another way has washed down the RIGHT pipe after all.

Step nine: Stop by Whole Foods on the way home and pick up a salmon steak and grilled asparagus for $10.

Step ten: Blog it all up while digitizing and uploading video files of the day's sessions (and sipping a really neat little wine you found before leaving the store).

There you have it! Blood no longer boiling (for now... ). Gotta love those emotional roller coasters. Good thing to know they continue well into your 30s and sometimes it's just a matter of having a few big ol' sucky days.

Followed by a great one.

Cheers!

Posted by bonnie at 8:17 PM | Comments (4)

November 14, 2005

Um, hi... yeah.

Remember me?

Well, you're lucky. I sure as hell don't!

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Didja ever notice there are certain people who just really rub you the wrong way?

Do you sometimes notice there are more-than-the-average-number of people rubbing you the wrong way for a bunch of days in a row?

And do you begin to wonder if maybe it's you who is turned the wrong way, which is why all of the rubbing FEELS like it's going on in the wrong direction?

And then do you think, "Hey! Who are you and why are you rubbing me?!?"

Dammit. I should really be liking all of this manhandling a LOT more.

Ugh.

Stop bothering me, people. And if it's ME and not YOU... then dangit, Bon, STOP BEING SO BOTHERED! Really. This is getting way old.

Posted by bonnie at 7:18 PM | Comments (6)

October 30, 2005

My Liver!

Was it a Beavis and Butthead line? God, what a random memory. I don't even think I ever watched more than five minutes of that show, when it was on, but I seem to recall a faked accident and one of the guys clutching his chest, yelling, "My liver! My liver!" The other guy whispered, "Lower!" And he either--can't recall which--dropped his hand to his crotch and said, "My liver! My liver!" or lowered his voice and said it. Hm.

Either way...

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I've started a liver cleanse. Have to do that before taking anything for my thyroid. Ugh. I had a few panic attacks, just going over it all. So much stress about mysterious issues of the bod. Very very very odd. Anyway, I'll keep y'all posted. Wish me luck.

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While googling for that first image, I found this one, immediately above. It got me to thinking... how common is this practice of cutting out faces of exes in photos? I've never done it. I've never even torn a photo in half for drama. So odd to want to trash the photo to... what? Feel better? Perform a ritual, removing the person from your life more literally? Show the world you're more narcissistic than sentimental? What?

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And finally, a quiz. Can YOU tell your programming language creators from your serial killers? Hee! Fun.

Posted by bonnie at 1:44 AM | Comments (1)

October 28, 2005

One of those days.

Y'ever have one of those days? You know the kind.

Birds are singing, sun is shining, you're well fed, in love, and have received so much praise for doing good work that you have the glow of happiness all around you--just ready to hug you with the realization that you truly have the most AMAZING life...

and you couldn't be more miserable?

Yeah. I'm having one of those days.

It sucks.

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Click to enlarge.

Happily, though, I did receive the poster art for Queen of Cactus Cove, which is simply gorgeous. I'll share that, as maybe sharing something beautiful will improve my mood. I mean, if getting an offer to cast yet ANOTHER (yes, that's three) low/mid-budget feature film, learning I'm personally responsible for a talented Scotish actor's move to Hollywood to follow her dreams, and reaching the final-edits stage on the book isn't enough to make me happy, maybe at least the soothing blue poster will help.

Ugh.

Somedays, it's like you can't catch a break, what with having EVERYTHING going for you and all.

Yes, I'm really really really really really going to try and remember this: Even when life rocks, there's "down." It doesn't mean a damn thing and you might as well enjoy the low spots, since they come no matter how much life rocks. Blah blah blah blah blah. Self-indulgent bullshit. Blah blah blah blah blah.

Posted by bonnie at 5:18 PM | Comments (1)

October 26, 2005

Quite a Loss

I just learned that the dear, sweet, talented Sue Ozeran passed away last week (after having survived pancreatic cancer for seven years) due to stomach cancer. Her friends Muriel Minot and Terrence Beasor wrote a loving tribute to her at the SAGActor.com board (you may have to register to read it).

I was fortunate enough to have been able to cast Sue in Queen of Cactus Cove earlier this year, after she'd made it to final callbacks on FIVE of the films I had cast prior to that one.

It is always tough to lose a talented performer who loves life and thrives on sharing her gifts with the world. Even tougher when that amazing person is a friend. Rest in peace, dear Sue. My prayers are with Bud and the rest of your sweet family.

Posted by bonnie at 10:25 PM | Comments (2)

October 22, 2005

People are...

weird.

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That is all.

Posted by bonnie at 10:22 AM | Comments (0)

October 10, 2005

Sandbox

I DO NOT GIVE GOOD SANDBOX.

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I do NOT play well with others.

And you can't MAKE me!

Posted by bonnie at 10:52 PM | Comments (2)

September 20, 2005

So Thrilled!

Seriously, I know it's odd, but I am THRILLED to be so so so sick.

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Fever, sinus crud, can't swallow, throat on fire... THIS is stuff I can understand! AND I LOVE IT! Soooooo much better than the mystery that is baffling brain chemistry!

Oh, and in reviewing my post about us being hitched, I realize I shared some good details with friends elsewhere that readers of the BonBlogs might like to see. So, follow this link and weed through the congrats posts to get some of the inside info. ;)

Back to bed. Ahhhhh... it feels so good to be sick!

Posted by bonnie at 1:38 PM

And... SCENE!

Cool. It's raining.

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As Keith would say: "Rain. Classic literary symbol for change."

Good.

After a very fitful night of semi-sleep, I woke up around 4am with a searingly sore throat and the need to blow my nose... a bunch. But somehow, my head felt CLEAR.

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That braincloud crap I've been enduring for just over a week was seemingly gone.

So, I came into the livingroom, began sorting paperwork for the new book (busywork, to sort of see whether the panic had passed or was just hiding), and within an hour... RAIN.

Felt like that moment in the movie when you realize everything's gonna be okay, in spite of everything.

Awesome.

Posted by bonnie at 5:15 AM

September 18, 2005

Panic Sucks

Seems, just as 40 is the new 30, panic is the new migraine. I have all of the symptoms that usually come with a major migraine, but no pain. I'm beginning to realize that migraines, as painful as they are, suck MAINLY b/c of all of the other stuff.

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I'm deleting the rest of this entry. I'm ready to be over this. Sure, it may come again--there does seem to be a pattern here--but for right this second, I want to be past this. So, I'm going to stop talking about it.

Posted by bonnie at 12:56 AM

September 17, 2005

Couplathings

1. Working on the book helps calm panic attacks.

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2. Watch the pre-Emmy Emmy Awards (Creative Arts version) tonight on E! to see Kathy Joosten pick up her Emmy (plus casting directors April Webster, Mandy Sherman, Alyssa Weisberg, and Veronica Collins Rooney for Lost; John Papsidera for Lackawanna Blues; and Scott Genkinger and Junie Lowry-Johnson for Desperate Housewives). That's so cool! Maybe someday, the Oscar people will do an award for casting. *sigh*

3.

4. Book stuff: anyone who's read Self-Management for Actors have an opinion about a chapter I'm on the fence about keeping? That'd be the STAND-UP COMEDY one. I mean, I cover SOAPS and EXTRA WORK and HOSTING, so there's room for it... but I don't cover VOICEOVER. I can't cover everything, of course, but I'm just wondering... did the STAND-UP COMEDY chapter stick out as out-of-place? Should I keep it and add in VOICEOVER and LOOPING? Hm.

5. Blogging seems to recharge my panic levels, so I'm going back to book edits. Wish me luck! Watch the Emmys tonight and tomorrow night too. Congrats to my friends and colleagues!

Posted by bonnie at 1:36 PM

The Shakes

Been going through some very odd physical things for the past week. Not sure what's going on.

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I'm shaking, shivering, enduring panic attacks, feeling that airhead feeling I mentioned before, and having some very odd "toxic dumping" stuff happening.

I don't understand it. I don't fear it, which is good, but I sure don't love it. I have to leave the house tomorrow, so I need to at least stop with the shaking and find a way to NOT panic out.

Cute image thanks to the greatness of Elizabeth Tindal.

Posted by bonnie at 12:46 PM

September 12, 2005

Love, Love Me Do...

...you know I love you! I'll always be true. So, please... love me do!

So, the beautiful film The Moor screened tonight at the LA International Short Film Festival--which rocked like a cradle!

BTW--The Moor is hitting the Hamptons Film Fest next. Rock on, rockstar film! As CoCo said, it's the feel good romantic comedy of the year, yo? ;)

There were many wonderful films at this screening, which made me way happy (and there were many way cool actors, producers, directors, writers, and other Bon camp folks). Also, there were actors I love in the house, who I'll cast any time--plus some potential love connections. I hate that some of the people we were most excited about hanging with ended up having to go home, but it was still a great night. Real life happens. What can ya do?

More than that, it was a great MORNING. I met with many filmmakers who are at that amazing "gotta hire someone to cast my next film" stage. And maybe they want me. That could be cool.

Still, I must focus on the book before I find room to cast more films.

Damn you, time management! ;)

Good night. Good times. I cried like a baby for the first two minutes of The Moor and said that it's that whole, "Everything relies on my ability to do my job right," thing. I think I was just really, really proud.

Ah, it was way gratifying, all the way around.

Oh, and... you should read this...

No politics. Just what it is.

Posted by bonnie at 1:59 AM

September 6, 2005

Too Angry To Blog

Why haven't I blogged (much) about Katrina? Well, I tend not to get political in my blog entries (anyone who knows me knows where I stand on most issues--and those who don't know me can probably place safe bets, based on my words when I *am* vocal about political issues) and when I think about the state of disaster relief (and the lack of action that could've occurred BEFORE the disaster to lessen the loss), I get pissed.

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Watched most of the 48 Hours' episode on Katrina and, in a story about FEMA, heard this gem:

What does FEMA say about all this? That this was a storm like no other. Local FEMA coordinator Michael Beeman says he doesn't want to bring in too many people too fast and overtax the devastated infrastructure.

"How many of you are having problems getting gas and you're asking us to bring more people in here? What we're trying to do is to think the process out," he says.


THINK THE PROCESS OUT? Are you fucking kidding me? No, I'm not asking anyone to charge in anywhere half-cocked, but for the love of God, FEMA, don't you EXIST to be in service when disaster strikes? Isn't a part of your raison d'être the fact that you HAVE FUCKING PLANS IN PLACE FOR HOW TO HANDLE DISASTERS?

This is an embarrassment, plain and simple.

I don't care what your politics are. Bureaucracy at this level isn't ABOUT your political agenda or your beliefs. Bureaucracy at this level equals an abandonment of a population. This is a form of genocide.

Posted by bonnie at 9:02 PM

September 3, 2005

Others Say It Better

There is little to say about the state of natural disaster and speed of government response (vs. fictional WMDs and speed of government knee-jerk) that hasn't been said better* elsewhere. So, I'll just share some sillies.

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Build your own church sign (thanks to CoCo, with whom I had an excellent tea date yesterday).

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Visit a clever Cooking Monkey (hee hee... munkey), also thanks to CoCo (*she's also one of the ones saying it better).

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And cast your votes in the Kitten War, which is simply a rockin' good waste of time, thanks to Ames' link to Cats In Sinks last week.

As for any tales about my brother's visit, those have been shared privately with those who experienced it and today is an official Day of Silence in the Gillespie-Johnson household in an attempt to recover. Thank you to those who joined in the Gas Light karaoke-fest last night. I think, when my brother screamed, "Bitch!" at the top of his lungs at me during my rendition of Piece of My Heart, he meant it as a compliment. *sigh* I am so less broken than I sometimes think I might be. Focusing on the positive, I will just say thank you to the universe for the reminder.

Glad August is over. Glad it's cooler. Glad we raised a buttload of money to send to the Red Cross last night. Glad my brother didn't pee in my wastebasket (thanks again, Keith... for everything).

Yes, the SpyNotebook's Google ads are broken.

Silence is good. Go click on kittens. I know I will.

Posted by bonnie at 6:35 PM

August 25, 2005

Forgiveness

For the latest on Scout Taylor-Compton, click the banner below.

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In other news...

Something Keith is really good at is forgiveness. He's also an expert at the practice of unconditional love.

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Me? I suck at both. I am very bad at forgiving (especially myself) and my love is almost always conditional. I demand perfection from myself and those around me, I am not a tolerant person, and I always feel as though I must punish myself for extended periods of time when I behave in any less-than-perfect way toward others.

I am pledging to learn from Keith (as he so frequently learns from me, with grace and gratitude) that the BEST gift for someone you've hurt is total forgiveness and that NO ONE is served by extended periods of self-loathing. He loves to say that what makes us BEAUTIFUL, as humans, is our imperfections. I say that we are sometimes beautiful DESPITE our imperfections.

I have a lot to learn. Hm. I guess that makes me one really beautiful human being then, eh?

*sigh*

I remain... a work in progress.

Posted by bonnie at 5:06 AM

August 22, 2005

Ow.

Latest Scout Taylor-Compton post linked here.

So, I've been sick (in bed sick) since Wednesday night. Finally started feeling better Saturday evening, but then my lower back started aching as though I'd pulled, pinched, or otherwise wrenched something.

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How, when I've been in bed for days, I do not know.

I tried to "get a good night's sleep" by getting in bed before midnight, knowing I've a big, bad casting day ahead of me for Teenage Dirtbag with producers. Can't sleep. Up and down to the bathroom. Flip-flopping with back pain. Fever in my back. Am I having kidney issues? Am I so stressed out about Scout and casting and a zillion other things that I'm psychosomatizing stuff?

Whatever it is... I'm up. God help me get through seven hours of casting and meetings that follow. Seems so silly a wish compared to, "get Scout home safe."

*sigh*

Posted by bonnie at 3:44 AM

August 18, 2005

Here's What Sucks

Get obessed with working out.
Find that working out pretty much fixes every other stress in life.
Begin relying on workouts to balance stress.

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Get sick.
Wonder if working out while sick is a good idea.
Learn it's probably not.
Have loads of stress and no energy to face the stress, no outlet for the stress, and loads of restlessness over this situation.

Back to bed. Ugh.

Posted by bonnie at 4:55 PM

August 10, 2005

Letter from the Cosmos

Dear Bon,

I'm sorry I've been such a ginormous pain in the arse for these past couple of weeks.

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I know you've tried to remain calm (and keep others calm) in the face of my diva-demands and, usually, you are quite grace-filled when I come by (since you plan for the chaos I cause and always take extra time with everything, showing marvelous levels of patience), but I've just had to toy with you this time around.

Seeing you try to keep your cool when everything is going wrong at once, watching technology fail you, and noticing that communication simply never lands the way it was navigated has been a monkey-filled barrel of shits and giggles. Thanks for the laughs!

Love,
Mercury Retrograde

PS: At one point last week, you said this was the worst of me you could recall and Keith said he'd experienced worse. I must say I truly enjoyed the moment today when he finally said, "Yeah. I'm just hoping to live through this one. It's really bad." That was fun for me. Thank him, wouldja?

Posted by bonnie at 5:26 AM

August 9, 2005

Grr.

Because I'm having a grrrrrrrrr day (and Keith won't let me spray his ankles with compressed air), this is how I'm venting.

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Meme snarked from Ames (and more of it below)...

LAYER ONE: ON THE OUTSIDE
Name: Bon
Birthdate: 07.11.70 (so cool and reflexive)
Birthplace: Hotlanta
Current Location: Hollywood (in spirit)
Hair Color: red, but in major need of a touch-up.
Righty or Lefty: lefty, except with scissors. It's weird.

LAYER TWO: ON THE INSIDE
Your heritage: Scotch-Irish, Cherokee, Dutch, and about a dozen other whatnots.
Shoes you wore today: the shoes I bought to replace the ones I really love, from Tweeds (RIP).
Your fears: rope courses, closed-off spaces, cotton balls (see standup comedy routine from Comedy Store 2000 for details).
Your perfect pizza: gluten-free (sadly, none exist).
Goal you'd like to achieve: absolute, unconditional self-love (same goal since Corey Allen's acting class at Margie Haber Studios, 1999).

LAYER THREE:
Since there is never a three, the rest of the meme is in the extended entry, should you be interested. ;)

LAYER FOUR: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW
Your most overused phrase on IM: I don't IM. But when I chat at PARF on Fridays, it's probably LOL.
Your thoughts first waking up: Spoken: "Honey? Come be close!"
Your best physical feature: the rack. Always the rack.
Your bedtime: Huh?
Your most missed memory: plopping my head in my mom's lap, having her stroke my hair and baby-talk me, even at age 29.

LAYER FIVE: YOUR PICK
Pepsi or Coke: as a shareholder, it must be Coke, even though I'll have none of either.
McDonald's or Burger King: neither has good gluten-free choices, so... um... yeah, whatever.
Single or group dates: what's a DATE? Just kidding. Usually Dan Tana's and usually with whatever group of people has gathered. That means, sometimes group dates and sometimes it's just us and heavy-handed drink-pouring Mike.
Adidas or Nike: in honor of the great Mitchell Fink, it must be Adidas (swag is good).
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: rarely, so no opinion.
Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate.
Cappuccino or coffee: neither. I don't do the coffee.

LAYER SIX: DO YOU? or ARE YOU?
Smoke: not anymore.
Cuss: yup. Way too much.
Single: nope.
Have a crush: constantly.
Think you've been in love: perpetually.
Like high school: only sometimes.
Want to get married: in denial. ;)
Believe in yourself: absolutely.
Get motion sickness: yes. Especially in the back seat of a Towncar or in a plane with a hangover.
Think you're attractive: sometimes. Sometimes I'm a goddess like none other. Other times I'm slothzilla. It's part of having a childstar/teen-anorexic brain. Hard to fix.
Think you're a health freak: anytime I'm pegged to one extreme or another, I'm either alcoholic or obsessed with fitness. Depends on the day you catch me. Right now, I'm working out like a maniac and wish I could hit the gym several hours a day. *shrug*
Get along with your parents: who?
Like thunderstorms: miss 'em like crazy!
Play an instrument: probably can plunk out a few notes on just about anything and can read sheet music enough to get by.

LAYER SEVEN: IN THE PAST MONTH
Drank alcohol: yup.
Gone on a date: sure.
been on stage: constantly.
eaten an entire box of Oreos: never!
Eaten sushi: not since going gluten-free. :( Bummer, since I love/miss sushi.
Been dumped: only by the CSA.
Gone skating: no, but I read about it, at Chip's blog, plus others.
Gone skinny dipping: oh, man... it was a year ago, but we did that nightly while house-sitting and LOVED it. We sooooooo need a pool.
Stolen anything: no. I've gotten much better. ;)

LAYER EIGHT: HAVE YOU EVER
Played a game that required removal of clothing: of course.
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: sure.
Been caught "doing something:" like... sex? Sure. I'm old. It happens. ;)
Been called a tease: just the other day by MCJ!!
Gotten beaten up: yeah, but I usually beat as well as I got beaten. Ask Scott Freeman or Jared Herbst, the boys I beat up back in my school days. ;)

LAYER NINE: GETTING OLDER
Age you hope to be married: 34.
Number of Children: well, there's Quinn, which counts. I'd like to have a girl, but I don't know... we have to be in a really secure financial situation before we bring more kids into the world. Quinn-support and OUR OWN support is plenty, right now.
Describe your dream wedding: I love that this is in "getting older." LOL
How do you want to die: in my sleep, without pain, like Mom did.
What do you want to be when you grow up: always living my dream, whatever that should become.
Where would you most like to visit: there's a major list there, really. Changes regularly. Almost always involves a passport.

LAYER TEN: IN A GAL/GUY
Best eye color: brown
Best hair color: dark brown
Short or long hair: longish
Height: 6'+
Best first date location: very public.
Best first kiss location: lips.

LAYER ELEVEN: IN THE NUMBERS
Number of people I could trust with my life: hm. A few. Hard to quantify. A few, certainly.
Number of CDs I own: ha! In the world of "CD as Casting Director," I'd say only me. ;) In the world of that musical disc... I'd say 300-400, maybe.
Number of piercings: two.
Number of tattoos: two.
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: oh, goodness, too many. My RSiCopyright services indicate my name is in print pretty effin' regularly, which is kinda cool. Most of the time, it's actually me, and not the Red Cross admin or the Board of Regents member (much less the stripper).
Number of scars on my body: more than a few. I count tattooed-over scars as scars, moles I wish were gone as scars, and being a keloid kid, I'd say I have a goodly number of scars to count. I try not to count. Why quantify pain? I'd rather count the number of happy places.

Well, that was fun. Definitely improved my mood, even for a moment. Now the bed! ;)

Posted by bonnie at 4:01 AM

August 6, 2005

Weddings Are Fun

Today, Keith and I spent some wonderful time with old friends at the celebration of marriage between Tracy Eliott (AKA Tracy Hernandez) and Dick Tatum (AKA Richard Rosenblatt). We got lots of laughs out of the various combinations of names, plus enjoyed a brilliant toast from... who was that oh-so-funny guy? Richard? Robert? Augh... didn't catch it.

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Barry Carver performed a beautiful wedding (that's him above, holding JA, for Tracy and Dick, several years ago--click for larger). Children played like children do. We made new friends. It was delightful.

I was worried about wearing jeans, but then I said, "LOOK. They want you there. They don't care what you're wearing." I'm so glad I talked myself into going despite my lack of suitable wardrobe options. That's just a constant battle for me, so it's nice to just get over it for a moment and go have fun with dear friends.

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And, since this post is about wedded bliss (and yes, Dawn, it does seem that this wedding thing is in the air lately), I thought I'd share this gorgeous photo of Cousin Faith Salie and my new cousin-in-law Nick Holly. Again, click for a larger version of this princess photo. What lovely bliss! Cool tie-in: Faith's former castmate Brian Palermo went to college with Tracy, so he was at the wedding today, among all of the ARK friends, Wolfesden folks, and years of Orphans Christmas Dinners-buddies.

What's beautiful about celebrating unions like this is that we all benefit from the reminder that we do need one another. Keith and I talked on the way to the wedding about my upbringing (wherein survival and independence was championed above partnership and investment in others--since others can go away) and how every day that he is in my life is a triumph of human connection over going it alone.

Awesome.

Posted by bonnie at 7:35 PM

July 14, 2005

Onward!

Here's the best news about always having a few pots simmering on the stove at all times.

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When you need to focus more attention on another dish, you can turn the heat down on one eye, up on another, stir in other ingredients, and end up with a magical feast.

Now, I don't cook, so I know that's probably a way sloppy analogy, but here's the point:

Keith and I always have so damn much going on at once that when one of those things doesn't quite work out, it's not like we throw up our hands and exclaim that dinner is ruined! What we do instead is turn the heat up elsewhere and keep on cookin'!

To wit:

Called all of the actors (and agents of actors) cast in Shrinks (cast webpage will be added later for your viewing pleasure), discussed the next casting gig with that project's director (a feature film), met with the principals of a wonderful Hollywood startup about further deepening our relationship (press release to come next week), attended the SAG Indie Contracts Workshop, and left there having committed to a new column for actors plus another SAG LifeRaft event (this one for kid actors and their parents).

Sure as hell doesn't feel like the same day it started out being.

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Keith and I toast tonight with the champagne Maria and Kevan bought me for my birthday (and giggle over the rest of the gift, which was brilliant and private). We drink a toast to COOKING. Always cooking.

Oh, and Wayne, you'll probably NOT be surprised by this, but I had delicious salmon for dinner tonight after the SAG event! You are ON, man!

Thanks, everyone, for the lovely vibes and well-wishing and hugs. It's cool. As I tell actors all the time: focus on the WORK, not the GIG. Right on.

Posted by bonnie at 10:59 PM

Feeling Blue

Just got word I didn't get accepted to the Casting Society of America.

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My board member friend tells me I didn't meet the "two years in casting" requirement.

Um. If I worked as casting coordinator of a TV show in February 2003, another in May 2003, and cast my first feature film in June 2003 (and have cast another dozen films, worked in casting on two more TV shows (one as full CD, mind you), and just finished casting a play), isn't that at least two years in casting?

I'm so blue.

I know this is sooooooo not a big deal (and my friend on the board told me that she had the same issue when all she had on her resumé were indies and AFI projects), but I'm sad now. :( I don't like being sad.

Good thing it'll pass.

Note to self: resist temptation to be a brat and get all anti-joining. Although... hm.

Posted by bonnie at 10:25 AM

June 16, 2005

"Hey, Bonnie..."

(This is how many conversations begin when Quinn is visiting.)

"Yes, Quinn."
"You've really got a very big butt."
"Thank you."

(Long pause.)

"Hey, Bonnie..."
"Yes, Quinn."
"I really thought you'd be upset."
"No, Quinn. I have a big butt. It's true. No reason to be upset."

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Truth is, I saw an interview with Mo'Nique yesterday in which she talked about the bliss that is being a big girl and having "fluff" for the guys to touch on.

I looked at Keith and said, "I need to be like that. Just love my fluff." He said, "Sometimes you are like that." And I said, "Yeah. But I need to be like that all the time. Just love my fluff and know I look good."

And today that was tested out. So far so good!

Posted by bonnie at 11:49 AM

May 27, 2005

Happy Girl/Saturn Return

Okay, I'm a super happy girl!

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We're now finished with prereads for A New Tomorrow and I'm going to be able to cast a half-dozen or so roles this weekend, based on the rockstar job the actors did for the minor roles at prereads. Awesome. Callbacks next week! Yippee!

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I'm putting this here to remind me that Saturn Return is kicking my ass until mid-July. It's very easy to forget that and to get really really down on myself about things that aren't working. So... last night, I got out the grease pencil and drew Saturn on the mirrors in the house. Now I can't forget to let myself off the hook for the hell that is living sometimes, when things get too overwhelming.

Saturn, the planet ruling lessons learned and realities faced, is now traveling through the very last degrees of Cancer. You have had Saturn pressing you since June 2003, a time that you may have begun to see your responsibilities noticeably increase. Saturn is now moving at unusually swift speed, and in a matter of weeks will be completely out of Cancer. Your end date will be July 16, 2005. No matter how you look at it, you are entering a far better phase. Best of all, Saturn always leaves a gift by the door after he has exited, as thanks for having dealt with the rigors. You will see this to be true in the weeks that follow July 16. When this reward is given, you will know when it arrives. In the meantime, the gifts of strength, wisdom, insight, and maturity have already begun to grow within you, and you have earned the respect of others around you. You have grown in stature and authority, and you see life with far greater clarity.

See? It's not "just" me! It's a huge planet pressing down on me at its hardest. Thank goodness the gift is almost here.

Hopefully, I won't need the reminder to let myself off the hook anymore, now that I have artwork on the mirrors. AND... I have the film 1/2 cast! Woo hoo! Casting meeting for the next film?? Tuesday, baby! It's just rollllllin' in now! Woo hoo!

Posted by bonnie at 10:36 PM

May 5, 2005

Two Things

Go read about this adorable baby. I think it's way cool that he's doing so well--and has such great fashion sense!

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Don't read about me. I'm still flying into panic attacks several times a day. I blame this chemical:

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Keith says it could also be "seasonal stress" due to the double-whammy of Mom's birthday and Mother's Day, but I would hope, by now, I'm less crisis-level upset and more just normal-sad about that.

Ugh. I'm sick of all this up and down mood crap. I don't have time for it and it's making me really frustrated, agoraphobic, and manic.

Posted by bonnie at 12:09 PM

May 2, 2005

Love, Love, Love My Life

So, I've just had an amazing few dozen hours.

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Big reminder that I love my life. Sometimes I need to forget that (not sure why, but I'm guessing it's all chemical). Keith reminds me that, usually at the end of a book hand-off, I'm in migraine hell for about a week. Well, this time around, I'm off the meds and the gluten that would make a migraine happen and I'm still having the stress--just not the physical event.

Ah... but I am. And the physical event is a panic attack. Okay. Makes sense. And I prefer that to a migraine, truly. Mainly b/c, despite the stress, I'm able to continue work, casting my ass off, selling books, speaking to actors, and loving my man and my kitties.

Y'know... life could be way worse. I've got it purdy good.

Posted by bonnie at 11:38 PM

May 1, 2005

Oh, Okay.

So THAT's what was happening to me.

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I was starting up a panic attack. Makes sense. Better now.

Posted by bonnie at 8:22 PM

Saturation Point

I'm often overwhelmingly busy. Frequently, those who know me ask how it's possible that manage to get it all done (the flippant answer is always, "I don't sleep") and still maintain sanity (the flippant answer is, "What sanity?").

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I think, though, today...

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I reached a saturation point. I can't do it all. I've tried to be very smart about pacing myself all weekend so that I could somehow make it through everything that had to be done by Monday. I was methodical and clever and even asked for help (which is so unlike me). I knew, with good vibes and process, I could make it.

And I haven't.

And I won't.

Some things are just going to have to be NOT done.

It sucks and I hate it and feel like a failure (even when 95% of everything I had to do is at 85% completion or higher).

But.

I'm not going to do that to myself. I'm not a failure. I'm a workaholic perfectionist with OCD and sometimes it just doesn't all work out.

So there!

Much better.

Posted by bonnie at 7:23 PM

April 20, 2005

In Loving Memory

I learned yesterday that an extremely talented actor friend passed away.

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Learned today how Eric Gelman died. It's sick and wrong and horrible and tragic. I pray I will remember his humor and grace, not the mugging and stabbing that took his life Sunday.

I'm so grateful that I got to know Eric (we met two years ago when his good friends (the Harley Crew) recommended him for a film I was casting--and I continued to bring him in to audition for pretty much every film I cast after that) and I send my prayers and love to his family and friends, as they will be holding a memorial for him back in Florida tomorrow.

Rest in peace, dear Eric. I will never forget your dancing elbows, silly tongue shapes, and instant-red-face. You had the best special skills!!

Posted by bonnie at 2:41 PM

March 27, 2005

Can't Stop

I'm in the throes of what feels like the longest run of taking it personally ever.

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What is it from that MadTV sketch? STOP IT! Yeah. I need to stop it.

Posted by bonnie at 8:41 AM

March 17, 2005

Guilty by Association?

Do the actions of one half of a partnership (relationship, collaboration, whatever) automatically impact the perception of the other half?

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As hard as I try to believe that we are seen as individuals, I'm finding that there are people who will condemn me for the choices of another with whom I am closely associated.

So, do I expect more from those who choose to perceive us jointly or do I remove the source of the negative associations? Words of wisdom, anyone?

Posted by bonnie at 6:11 PM

March 16, 2005

A Very Important Question

When does inaction become intention?

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I propose that the choice to NOT fix something that you KNOW is broken eventually becomes your INTENTION to keep something from working.

Discuss.

Posted by bonnie at 10:52 PM

March 8, 2005

Doctor, Heal Thyself

Le sigh.

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So, I wrote a column on actor funk, basically telling actors that all they have to do is throw themselves into the emotional whatnot and wallow in it, learn from it, then move on. If I can tell others that the best way to endure (and even benefit from) a funk is to throw themselves into it, why is it that I will spend my energy fighting my own funk?

Ugh.

I don't need stroking or encouragement or praise of any kind right now (in fact, I've gotten more sweet, wonderful, amazing, random "fan mail" in the past week than ever before). I know I really miss Keith (and his schedule just got even crazier yesterday). I'm getting a lot accomplished (book, taxes, casting--hell, we even got a VERY positive response from the "name" actor we approached for one of the roles). Just watched the awesome RW/RR Challenge (Inferno II) which rocks. I'm just ugh. Case-in-point, it took me 40 minutes to write this (I got distracted at the RW/RR Blog).

Yeah. Ugh.

Posted by bonnie at 7:17 PM

March 1, 2005

*contented sigh*

Ever know for sure you made a GREAT decision the instant you (finally) made it?

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There is nothing so gratifying as that feeling.

Onward!

Posted by bonnie at 1:00 AM

February 28, 2005

Pulling the Plug?

So, I run this little online community and I think it's time to pull the plug.

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Why?

Is it losing focus? Is it less popular than it once was? Does it no longer serve a purpose?

Quite the contrary.

Instead, it's more popular than ever, requiring more and more and more of my time in terms of moderating, hand-holding, hacker-proofing, and general upkeep. And I don't want to do it anymore. I want to be a visitor at someone else's site. I'm tired of being a list mommy.

Yet I'm struggling with pulling the plug. Somehow I worry about leaving people in the lurch, when they need someplace to call their online home. Why can't I just hand over the keys to this place to someone who cares more right now and stop by from time to time as whim allows?

Is this common moderator drama? Is there a list owner support group I need to check into before doing something so drastic as ending this version of the group and hoping its members are smart enough to pick up and reassemble somewhere else under someone else's watch? And why am I causing myself so much stress worrying about what everybody else wants on this site? Can't I pull a total brat move and say, "It's too much work. I'm done. Bye!" without then worrying about what everyone else is saying/thinking/feeling?

Sheesh!

What is WRONG with me?!?

Posted by bonnie at 7:16 PM

January 31, 2005

Every Frickin' Time

I swear, it's uncanny.

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EVERY frickin' time I watch Joan of Arcadia, I cry.

So, unlike the rest of my TiVo'ed life (wherein I watch three or four episodes of one show all at once, rather than keeping up with weekly schedules [yes, this makes avoiding spoilers tough, but it's how I like to watch TV, dammit]), with this show, I have to watch ONE at a time. And then I need therapy for a few weeks (read: Family Guy, King of the Hill, and Real World/Road Rules Challenge) before I can watch another episode.

Damn, the Kleenex stock must rise every Friday night with this show.

HOW DO THEY DO IT?

Posted by bonnie at 10:49 PM

January 30, 2005

Tests of Will and Other Annoying Stuff

Enjoying Enduring loads of tests of will these days.

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Challenges. Emotional and physical. Some mental. I'm growing tired.

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Opportunities to practice NOT being right. Again and again. Luckily, it does get easier to surrender and to recognize the need to do so sooner.

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Wondering what I'm healing from deep within by facing all of this at once. Constantly trusting it's all for the best to go through this, no matter how it hurts.

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*sigh*

Trying. Trying to NOT try. That's called surrender, right?

Posted by bonnie at 5:31 PM

January 6, 2005

Big Cry

Oh, my.

So there's an episode of Sex and the City in which Miranda's mother passes away and the gals go to the funeral.

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At the moment Carrie joins Miranda and they spy "the boys" who've come to the funeral despite their best attempt to keep them from coming, the voiceover begins:

There's the kind of support you ask for and the kind of support you don't ask for. And then there's the kind that just shows up.

And I bawl and bawl and bawl some more.

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Yes, it is the "my mom is dead" thing but it's also the "my boyfriend loves me and would cross the planet to take care of me no matter how much I told him I didn't want him to do so" thing.

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So much love.

Posted by bonnie at 4:55 AM

January 2, 2005

The Need To Be Right

I'm really working on this one. It is a personal goal (and a joint goal, since others are helping me achieve it) to let go of the need to be right.

In 2004, I watched my life TRANSFORM as a result of the simple concepts in Excuse Me, Your Life Is Waiting (a book given to me by cousin Faith, whose life was changed by the same book in 2003). My financial situation improved exponentially, my relationship with Keith evolved to a level I didn't imagine possible, my partnerships in career endeavors became more deeply invested and satisfying, and my attachment to painful events from my past dissolved.

There was one part of my life that, despite ALL of my best efforts, simply would not respond. My body.

So, I decided to do some poking around. Surely, there had to be a book out there that had the recipe for applying what I'd already learned to the one part of my life that wasn't already responding. Indeed, it seems there might be. Un-Dieting looks like the best first step (I know better than to call anything "the answer" at this point).

One of the main elements of this book is a proposal that a lifetime of seldom-controlled body weight (despite the most valiant of efforts and the strongest of will) has nothing to do with calories and everything to do with an obsessive need to be right.

Know anyone around here who has an obsessive need to be right?

Yeah. That'd be me.

It's most definitely at the root of much of my unhappiness (and, now that unhappiness represents a mere fraction of my life compared to the chunk of it I carried around previously, that unhappiness is like a hangnail: tiny, obnoxious, and just painful enough to occasionally turn the whole finger a throbbing red until amputation is a consideration). To imagine that one of my least favorite personality traits could also be responsible for a lifetime of self-hatred over a twisted body image (yes, even at 5'7" and 108 lbs. in 1985, I was certain I was clinically obese) is both terrifying and extraordinarily liberating.

Mostly terrifying.

Who am I, if I'm not always needing to be right? That is SUCH a big part of my personality that I can't even fathom how it will feel to have worked this issue out (or even to have lessened its impact somehow).

Well, having read a bit about this issue (but not as much as I've since read... or still have ahead to read), I became embarrassed beyond belief at my behavior at the McCarthy's Christmas Eve Eve Party. I was cruel, obnoxious, aggressive, and just plain rude... all to be right.

And NO ONE could possibly have cared.

So why is it that, in the safest of environments, I can still find a way to be the most repugnant parts of myself? Isn't that the sort of place where I should feel safe to JUST BE?

I have a lot to learn.

But I also have an absolutely lovely reason to learn--and quickly. Being 80 pounds overweight before the age of 35 (when you had a mother who was an adult-onset diabetic due to her own obesity) is not just a pain in the ass, it's dangerous.

Yes, I'm exercising every day. Yes, I've changed my diet (again). Yes, I'm coming off of my medication (whether I want to or not). And yes, I am now also going to work on everything that is at the root of how I see myself.

If that means I also become a gentler person to others in the process, all the better. And if I'm wrong about everything for the rest of my life? Well, hell... it'll be about damn time.

Posted by bonnie at 3:42 AM

December 26, 2004

The Hardest Days

And now we enter the hardest days of my year. Cried myself to sleep last night. Woke up at 4am and finally got up at 5:30am to work. Anything to distract, at this point.

The usual.

I asked Keith when it will happen that I'll stop missing my mom so much. We both know that WON'T happen. All that will happen is a little bit of relief as more time passes. And that, in itself, is sad too.

It's just a hard time for me. Talk to me after Thursday. I should be more myself by then.

Posted by bonnie at 6:53 AM

December 24, 2004

Crybaby

So, I'm watching the ABC Evening News and they profile this guy, Matt Dalio, who founded China Care at Harvard a couple of years ago. After watching the happy addopted babies and their new families, I'm crying like a baby.

I find sites about China Care and I notice that Matt Dalio has been profiled by Teen People, People, all of the networks, and... Oprah. So, I remember Def Jam Becca MC blogging out her inibility to watch Oprah without crying. I cried watching Matt Dalio. Matt Dalio has been on Oprah. Via the transitive propery, I join you. Right? Your blog is relevant all over the place!

Merry Christmas, folks!

Posted by bonnie at 8:20 PM

December 19, 2004

An Epiphany-a-Day?

Okay, so I'm having breakthroughs left and right. Finally, I've had to start looking at this non-stop personal growth stuff and ask:

Is this normal?

I mean, I know we spend our 20s pretty much self-involved. Are we, by nature, to spend our 30s self-evolved?

Not that I don't enjoy all of the new a-ha moments and happy confirmations that I am exactly on the right path and all that, but I have to wonder when we, as women today, kind of start just BEING.

Or is this what that is?

Hm.

I'm pontificaterrific tonight! Ooh... The Wizard of Oz is on! How much am I loving that they're using Love & Rockets' No New Tale To Tell as the lead-in/out music?!? Awesome!

PS--Walks to the beach at sunset and happy hour at Sushi Roku with your fiancé are just about some of the best living out there.

Posted by bonnie at 8:01 PM

Exercise

This is interesting (and perhaps everyone knows this but me): exercise releases emotions. Powerful ones.

I miss my mom.

Posted by bonnie at 1:35 AM

December 15, 2004

Anger

Do you ever just want to like seriously rip off someone's arm so that you can use it to beat the crap out of them?

Yeah... me neither. But dayum, I'm close.

Cingular sucks.

I almost want to go to The People's Court on this so that, when the judge lady says, "Wait! Bonnie, you have a CONTRACT?!" I can whip it out and have that Perry Mason moment be a clip they use in their ads.

Why is it that I have to prove TO THEM that I have a contract that says I upgraded to Nationwide with Rollover in February? And why is it that faxing the contract to them THREE TIMES isn't sufficient? And why is it that they certainly began CHARGING me for this new calling plan back in February, but neglected to upgrade my actual plan at that time? And why TODAY am I told that I have to pay this month's bill while they "sort this out" after THREE customer service reps have told me that THEY would be calling me back to give me an adjusted amount in 48 hours over the course of the last two weeks?

Y'all suck. Seriously.

Okay...

All better now. Must go do kitcheny things for the Roxbury Potluck tomorrow. That's a good use of energy, right? Creating food items? Or am I begging to be further frustrated?

Ooooh... there's wine!

Posted by bonnie at 6:44 PM

Three Years Ago Tonight

Keith proposed under a new moon and the Hollywood sign.

I said yes.

Three years engaged and holding. I like that.

Yes. Yes. Yes. (One for each year.)

Posted by bonnie at 5:00 PM

December 5, 2004

"He doesn't hardly know you guys. He's not going overseas with you."

Thanks. That's great. A long-distance dad loves hearing that from his ex-wife after he's asked to take his son to Scotland for vacation next year.

Nice. Well done, Jessica. You still know how to kick Keith in the balls.

Posted by bonnie at 4:51 PM

December 1, 2004

In Remembrance

In honor of World AIDS Day, I release a red baloon in memory of my friend and mentor Dennis Stabler, the North Springs High School chorus teacher who would be the first to tell me, "You're a chesty alto, honey!"

That was in 1983, ten years before his death.

He would go on to inspire me to perform in Show Choir, tour with the advanced mixed chorus, hit the high school music festival circuit with the all-women's chorale, and compete at All State (IN SPANISH, earning me a score of I across the board).

Mr. Stabler, you inspired me and taught me and encouraged me as only a teacher can do. You are missed.

Posted by bonnie at 2:41 PM

November 23, 2004

Tired

Tired. Sleepy. Mopey. Kind of sicky feeling. Ugh. I don't like any of that. I'm just all sorts of worn out and I wish I could get a boost of energy like never before so that I could manage to get through everything I need to do. I'm just sooooo out of it. That's totally unlike me and it's starting to get more than annoying.

Am I just BORED?

Ugh. Is THAT what this is? What, besides WORK, is a cure for boredom? Because I've already worked my ass off and that doesn't seem to help much. Is this why people shop?

Hm.

Posted by bonnie at 8:31 PM

November 11, 2004

Thank a Vet

Thank you, Keith. I love you.

emblem2.jpg

You did things as a Marine that I can't even fathom SEEING. And you came back home and became a truly good man, an amazing father, and a loving, supportive partner. You are my best friend and I am grateful to know you. Thank you for taking care of the freedom we tend to take for granted, 'round here.

Posted by bonnie at 11:42 AM

October 8, 2004

I miss Keith.

That is all.

Posted by bonnie at 7:48 PM

September 6, 2004

This Is One of the Things We'll Remember

I said that to Keith yesterday, as we were lying on the floor of the kitchen with the AC on the counter, a handtowel in place to direct the air as downward on us as possible, pillows propping our heads up a little bit. We were holding hands (more like stroking one another's fingers, as it was far too hot for hand-holding) and laughing that the temperature going over 100 even here by the beach had actually put our cats in comas. They were all spread out on the floor too, panting listlessly.

"This is one of the things we'll remember," I said. "You know, when we're old and thinking about when we weren't?" "Yeah," Keith agreed. It was nice.

Today was easily five degrees cooler, which really made a difference. I was actually able to get some work done today. Not as much as I needed to do, having lost yesterday to a morning in a tub filled with cool water and an afternoon on the kitchen floor, after having begged Keith to come home and bring the AC that has been living in the trunk of his car for six weeks. (He's at Nelson's while I'm here, babysitting sweet animals. Since it's hotter there, I have to stay here until this heat wave breaks or risk a major migraine. Again.)

Today I was also able to run the dishwasher. The joy I received from doing so reminded me of the epsiode of "Roseanne" in which she receives a dishwasher for the first time in her life. She's sitting on the counter, filled with glee, as she runs the dishwasher for the first time. Dan asks if she'd like a beer. "Yeah! But pour it into a glass and bring it to me on a plate!" That's how I felt, at not having to hand-wash a damn thing. It's been a long time since I've had a dishwasher. I forget how much I enjoy that luxury.

Keith and I have made a shift in our lives, the type of work we are doing, and the number of relationships we are developing to the extent that we are beginning to rethink accepting "side gigs" like pet-sitting. It's sad, in a way. A part of my life is now looking like my past and nothing else. I used to live in a studio apartment and LIVE for pet-sitting gigs, when I could stay in the home of someone with more money than I could ever dream to have and enjoy luxuries like ROOMS (plural), a bathTUB (rather than a shower stall), AC, cable TV (rather than rabbit-ears and a 13" TV from Sears)... all while enjoying animal affection (so in need of emotional contact) and a paycheck I sorely needed. Now I look around my world and I see ROOMS, a bathTUB and one of those really cool "rainfall" showerheads, AC, DirecTV with TiVo to boot on Keith's 27" TV with surround sound that I finally let him set up (too loud for neighbors at the old place)... and I have three wonderful kitties scurrying around and a fiancé who will stop the world to take care of me, if I ask (and even sometimes when I don't).

I'd say I have my drink in a glass on a plate now.

Posted by bonnie at 8:19 PM

August 25, 2004

Taking Some Hits

Ah, the emotional roller coaster that is life!

It would be so nice if I could compartmentalize and access my emotions as needed.

Ack! That hurt! Now I'm sad. Where's that overflowing vial of FEEL GOOD? Grr! I'm angry! Where's that NICE AND CALM balm?

*sigh*

Since that can't be done, I guess I'll just ask for some warm, calm, feel better vibes until I remember all of the good things that keep happening (they're there! I do remember them. Just have a hard time accessing them when I'm blue).

Silly, really... but it keeps happening. Damn that ego is a strange animal!

Oh, and just a reminder: usually I'm "better" within an hour or so of blogging about being blue. ;) It's so much fun being a water sign sometimes. Tee hee.

Posted by bonnie at 8:27 PM

July 29, 2004

Truly Wonderful

Y'know what's truly wonderful? Just having an average day (certainly, there were many very cool things that happened today, so I don't want to discount that, but really it was just an average day, by most counts) and realizing, "Man! I have the BEST life!"

I'm so very happy. Yes, it's great that I'm moving. Yes, it's delightful that I'm in demand in the casting world so soon after entering it. Yes, it's always bliss to receive a thank you note from a reader somewhere. Yes, it's true happiness that I have a partner who loves and supports me. And it's also simply WONDERFUL that I just love this life.

Wow. That's just about the best kind of end-of-the-day thought out there. Had to share.

Posted by bonnie at 12:06 AM

July 8, 2004

*sigh*

What is with the let-down that comes after a bunch of really hyper-cool activity? And how much does the ego suck that it feels the need to be smacked about every now and then and finds ways to get "out there" and be extra-vulnerable? And why is it that it'll be a "so-called-friend" who will oblige and put you in check when you think no one is noticing the sad stuff in the on-deck circle behind all of the bliss churning out?

*sigh*

Somehow, I already feel better, just by blogging it. So... for what it's worth, there it is: questions. No answers. But the posing of the questions is enough. Fine. I'll take it. Now to bed.

Posted by bonnie at 2:00 AM

May 31, 2004

Can't Sleep

And yes, I tried. I have about a zillion things running through my mind right now--really exciting, wonderful, charged through the roof kind of things just soaring through my heart, soul, and mind.

This is good. This is very, very good.

Posted by bonnie at 5:20 AM

May 30, 2004

Definitions

I have two definitions to share. The first, a part of me I'm trying to let go. The second, a part of me I'm trying to embrace.

mas-och-ism (ms-kzm) n.
*A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences.

de-lights (d-lts) v.
*To take great pleasure or joy: delights in taking long walks.
*To give great pleasure or joy: an old movie that still delights.

So...

Why is it that, while I have the most joy-filled experience going on in my apartment (a beautiful five-year-old boy, bubbling over with excitement and glee, giddy to share his every thought and feeling--just like his dad--with me and the cats and the wall and the universe), I would seek out negativity on the Internet? Sometimes, I really wish I would just unplug the whole damn thing. Go all Amish on everyone.

Even though that choice would certainly cause more trouble than the amount of grief it would save me, there are times I imagine that as a delightful option. I can't know what horrible things people are saying about me if I just unplug.

But the big question, for me, is why do I seek it? Why do I go looking? Why do I give a shit what anyone has to say about me online... especially when I brag about being so very open about my life? It's a double-edged sword, Gillespie. You know that! Be open... and then you're open.

Ah, gotta shake it off. It's going to be out there whether I seek it out or not. It's always going to be out there somewhere. That's just part of life. So, rather than trying to figure out why it is I go seeking that crap, how about if I come up with a strategy for remembering joy, remembering the things that delight, and quickly shaking off the bullshit that folks want to spew about me and the way I live my life?

Ooh, this seems to be working. I'm flipping through the digital images of Quinn and his dad... doting, wonderful, eager child with so much love to give. I'm listening to his breathing as he sleeps, knowing how good it feels to have him kiss my forehead in the morning, whispering, "Bonnie. Bonnie. I'm awake." So precious. And... I'm writing about my feelings. Getting it all "out there" (more grist for the mill, perhaps) and moving on.

One more definition, then.

ther-a-peu-tic (thr-pytk) adj.
*Having or exhibiting healing powers: a therapeutic agent; therapeutic exercises.

And again, life is good.

Phew! Nothing like a good workout!!

Posted by bonnie at 10:07 PM

May 14, 2004

"I Only Have a Few 'Things.'..."

So, Keith and I are coming home and changing before heading out again, in a whirlwind of activities that just doesn't seem to die down. Something (some little thing, really... so little I don't recall exactly what it was) that Keith did wasn't the way that I "need" it to be done. I said, "Honey, I only have a few 'things.' Could you please try to help me with those?"

He stopped and stared at me, shocked. Then he started laughing. Howling.

"YOU? You only have a FEW 'things'? YOU? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

I had to look HARD at him for a few seconds, so that he would realize I wasn't joking. Then I asked, "Have you ever known someone with a clinical diagnosis for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?"

"No. I haven't."

"Okay," I continued. "Then could you please try to understand how very high-functioning I am compared to most people with OCD. And, in order to keep me high-functioning--when there are 'things' that I have made you aware of that you can do to keep me from going nuts, just by taking a little extra step to make sure those 'things' are done a certain way--could you please choose to do those things?"

Blank stare.

Then a hug.

So, either he gets it or he was doing the, "Yes, dear," thing that partners so often do for one another. Either way, I found it interesting that Keith has never encountered another person with OCD in his life. I've known several. But maybe it's just because we sort of "spot" each other. We recognize the behaviors, the quirks, the little things we do to try and hide those things... and the little physically-evident coping mechanisms we walk around with to let us live with hiding so much of what we WOULD do, were it all more socially acceptable.

*sigh*

This really is a lighthearted post, for the most part. Truly! I just enjoyed the little exchange with Keith the other day and actually sort of gave myself a little pat on the back for being so very high-functioning. It certainly helps that I live in a part of the world (and work in an industry) in which quirks are considered creativity and dysfunction is a part of brilliance.

A favorite quote, from Steven Sodeberg, is, "I have confused my personality quirks with standards." Man, do I get that.

Other favorite quotes that I have scribbled in the same place and will now put here in my Blog, mainly b/c that's a very OCD thing to do: get all of the scraps of paper thrown out b/c there's now ONE PLACE for the quotes I've been transferring to different scraps of paper for nearly a year until I could determine what to do with them; are...

"Impossible is an opinion." (from that Nike ad on the side of a building down the street)

and

"Charisma comes from public self-acceptance." (from... of all places... America's Next Top Model--one of the coaches had used that definition and that really stands out for me).

*sigh*

I'm having a good life. Truly.

Posted by bonnie at 3:53 AM

May 11, 2004

Happy Birthday, Mom

Today would've been Charlsie's 71st birthday. It's so odd to imagine Mom in her 70s... but I guess it's odd to imagine her in her 20s or 30s too. I only got to know Mom as a woman in her 40s, 50s, and 60s. Sometimes I feel cheated to have only "had her" for 30 years, but then I consider my dear friends whose time with their mothers was far shorter than that. I truly am one of the luckiest people on the planet. Not only was I born to the amazing Charlsie Gillespie, but I had her in my life for 30 years... much of that time to myself.

I never considered myself unfortunate for growing up in a single-parent household because of who that single parent was. What an amazing, beautiful, creative, brilliant, stubborn, independent woman my mother was! And though I NEVER resented hearing the words, "Bonnie, you are JUST like your mother" (a phrase that makes so many women cringe), when I get to hear my great aunt, with a catch in her throat, say to me, "Bonnie, you come from the best stuff. You are just like Charlsie was at your age," I smile through tears. Because while I didn't know Mom at 33, I have a few decades ahead of me for which I DO have a reference point for who she was.

And if I ever forget, it seems I can just look inside to be sure.

Happy Birthday, Momma.

Posted by bonnie at 8:53 AM

March 28, 2004

New Blog

There's nothing more fun than a list. Well... maybe that's just me. Either way, I'm in the process of creating my Shows I've Seen blog.

I figure, I've seen soooooo many shows by now that I really should start archiving them in ways other than "hanging on to a stack of programs forever" and the few notes I may have placed in my Palm or whatever I was using as a datebook at the time. That way, I can track certain actors' careers, keep up with where the best shows are that I've seen, and check back when I need to recall what the heck that show was that I'm trying to remember for whatever reason, etc. And I can do it all from my blog.

Woo hoo!

Other

Lots of activity lately. Very very very busy and also sleeping, which is weird for me. I guess I'm still adjusting to all of the new vitamins and supplements I'm taking and the new prescription too. Everything I'm reading tells me that I'm monkeying pretty hardcore with my brain chemistry. That makes sense. I'm so moody right now and really all over the map with my reactions to just the simplest things. Very odd... except that it makes perfect sense, screwing with my endorphins and adrenaline and serotonin all at once. Ugh. Weird and disconcerting. I'm just trying to stay patient with myself.

What else can I do, y'know?

Posted by bonnie at 8:57 PM

December 27, 2003

Tomorrow is...

When Archie doesn't want me to work, he does this:

And that's something I can't really argue with.

Tomorrow, as many readers know, is the anniversary of my mother's death. It is a day I will spend in quiet remembrance. I am much healthier this year than in years past. Not sure how much of that is due to time and how much is due to actual progress in my life and taking care of what's truly important.

Doesn't matter AT ALL.

Point is, I'm okay. Quiet and blessed and okay. That's huge.

Christmas photos: here. Thank you, Tracy and Dick for hosting another great year of friendship.

Keith comes home tomorrow night. Yay.

Posted by bonnie at 2:26 PM

October 23, 2003

Charlsie Story

I buy lottery tickets. And every time I check the numbers, I'm sure I'll win something. Every time.

I laugh at myself, realizing this is just a very silly little ritual that will only ever entertain me for the moment and only maybe pay me back a third of what I put out.

And then I remember my mother.

Momma always entered Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. I remember her pulling out that sheet of little stamps and meticulously going over every little rule and regulation printed in six-point font in the mailer. She would affix the bonus stamp. She would attach the sticker that best represented the color of the new car she'd like to see them drive up to her front door in. And she would always say a little blessing for prosperity before putting the entry in the mail.

And then we'd wait.

Mom would always have the date of the big prize delivery noted on her calendar. She would spend the six weeks between mailing the entry and the date of the big surprise the winner on-camera moment calculating how much money she would give to Silent Unity, how much she would give to her siblings, and how much she would give to her kids.

I remember riding around in her 1979 silver Monte Carlo, planning and plotting the investments, the frivolous expenditures, the breathing room we'd give ourselves and our loved ones with those millions.

And every single "big day" that rolled around, Mom would put on her makeup, do her hair, and dress a little nicer so that she wouldn't "look like the boogey man" on television when the Prize Patrol showed up.

It's not just that moment while the numbers are being pulled that I get my dollar's worth when I play the lottery. It's all of the moments between buying that ticket and knowing the outcome of the drawing: those moments when I'm wealthy enough to take care of everyone I love and never have to worry about being a burden to anyone now or in the future. In those moments I spend, invest, and rescue like Mom would've done, had she ever won anything.

And it's the moment after, when I realize there is no windfall, that I know for sure I am Charlsie's daughter. That's when I know, for sure, I'm going to win it next time.
--
Bon
The NEW Book

My epiphany of the night: I live my life like an interviewer on the red carpet. I'm listening to you. I'm asking (somewhat) intelligent questions. I'm right there with you. But I'm constantly looking just over your shoulder, in case someone better is coming up the path. Now, that's deep. [from DeadLaszlo's Oscar Wrap Edition, 2001]

Posted by bonnie at 2:23 AM

October 12, 2003

Happy Nonaversary

Today is our second Nonaversary. We decided last year's was the first and--since we created the holiday to begin with--we get to decide the rules on numbering, celebratory activities, and appropriate gifts.

We will go to paint pottery today. Then lunch at a favorite spot. We started the day with a nice walk. We will end the day with some sort of sex, of course.

Still very very very happy to be unemployed. Or... as I keep saying, "I'm so glad to have my life back!" So, I'm surprised I hadn't imploded during those hideous weeks. I don't remember being so happy and unafraid.

The Book should arrive Tuesday. I'm so very excited. I truly think this book is better than the last (and there's certainly more broadly-accessible information in it) and its pre-sales have shown that I'm not alone in that opinion, though I can't imagine how anyone outside of me and the half-dozen people who've read the dang thing so far could truly KNOW that opinion to be true.

Eh, whatever. I'm just so very happy it's on its way!

Spent my first day of unemployment redesigning the site. Feedback welcome. Also vacuumed, dusted, changed sheets, washed and folded clothes and towels, brushed the cats, organzied a few zillion things that had been piling up due to lack of time to focus on anything other than the evil job, and watched a few cool TV things. A great day.

Congrats to uncle reverend big Mike for the new baby in the family. And Chip, I'm trying not to be really really jealous that you've seen Sir Robyn Hitchcock and REM in the past couple of days.

Ah... have I mentioned how blissfully happy I am? Time for a shower. Then maybe a nap. Just 'cause I can! Ciao!

Posted by bonnie at 8:19 AM

October 10, 2003

Up at Odd Hours

Must be time to be done with the job. I'm back to my insomniatical ways. Past few nights, despite long, long days at the office with no day off for weeks and weeks, I've been *blink* *blink* *blink* wide awake at 3am or so. I guess my body just doesn't need/want more than a few hours of sleep. Except for when it does... and then I'm in hibernation mode. That's fun too.

I so love October. Always.

Man... I thought I had something to say. I guess not. Hm.

Posted by bonnie at 4:51 AM

October 3, 2003

Stop the Bitching!

I realize that I have turned my blogs into a "bitch book." I used to keep a "bitch book" when I was in grad school. I'd learned that, if I had something negative to say, pulling out my little journal and writing up a storm could diffuse the emotions and let me quickly move on. Eventually, I realized I was only pulling out the "bitch book" to make a quick list of things to buy at the market and tearing out pages to leave notes for people while out and about or somesuch. So, I threw the "bitch book" into a drawer and haven't kept one since 1999.

I think I need a "bitch book" again.

I don't want all of these vents about work and people and my crazy schedule to be my journal. I need a more temporary record-keeping manner of getting these things "out" so that I can rededicate my journal(s) to counting my blessings. There are plenty of those. Plenty.

I do love my life. It's wonderful.

Posted by bonnie at 5:05 AM

October 2, 2003

Effin' Exclusive Bee Ess

So today at work it was established that there is, in fact, a Paradise Hotel wrap/cast party. Yeah... tonight (okay, just a few hours ago really) and with no one from casting invited other than the head honchos (from whom I've learned oh-so-much about how NOT to run a business recently).

Here's my thing: when I'm head honcho, I invite my underlings to the ber-cool happenings. And we're partners; not boss and underling. Yesterday bossy lady number one said, when we were all (including her) listing office supplies we need, "Uh! I'm not an order-taker!" Of course, the cool-ass PA came around the corner right after that and said, "Yeah. She's not an order-taker. That'd be ME."

A-frickin'-men.

I realize there's a difference between me and the class of people--and I had this issue back when I was pet-sitting at very wealthy people's homes a couple of years ago--who see everyone else on the planet as servants of some sort. I don't need someone to schlep my crap around. I don't need someone to order my lunch. And I certainly don't need someone else to make sure I get my life taken care of. When I do have an assistant--like I do right now on this job--I say things like, "Would you take a sick day? You're working too much."

Eff.

Maybe that's why I still buy lottery tickets and roll coins to make rent payments.

Whatever. I like me better. That has to count for something.

Posted by bonnie at 12:35 AM

September 18, 2003

So...

I watch this show and I see my colleagues being interviewed, some in shadows and with digitized voices, about their experiences in casting and producing reality TV. I never thought of these people as my colleagues until today. I knew I knew them from work (when I work my day job, doing risk management for casting of AFRS*), but suddenly, today, I realized I'm one of them.

Today, I was on the phone with a poor gal from wherever, convincing her there is *no* twist to this show other than the one she already knows about, "because why would we have another twist when this one is already so good?" I hear myself saying the things on the phone that I've been trained to say. I recall my confidentiality and non-disclosure agreement, which calls for something like a $6M fine for letting out any of the trade secrets about this show or its twist(s), and I continue to feel my nose growing like Pinocchio's as my co-workers gather 'round to hear me do what I do so well: convince someone they are special when they are really only a pawn for some network muckity-muck's greed-induced goals and dreams.

Hell, I guess that does make them special, doesn't it? And what does that make me?

My co-workers and I, when I hang up the phone, almost say in unison, "[I'm] going to Hell." Yes, there is one co-worker swearing up and down we won't... we're only doing our jobs. Then I look at my paycheck and wonder what my soul is worth. And then I'm treated badly by my bosses and wonder further what the heck I'm buying into here... and then remember that my bosses' alliance nets them major buckage per week and that will always be a stronger alliance than the one I provide. I can be replaced. And by someone cheaper and with less of a conscience.

Y'know what? I don't care. My production, whatever that may be, is so much more valuable than any of this shit. There's a heart and soul in here that doesn't get bought by some network paycheck. I'm done.

* = another fucking reality show

Posted by bonnie at 10:58 PM

September 14, 2003

So Very Exhausted

I'm not allowed to complain about my job-job, as it pays for the printing of the new book. Period. No bitching. I can't. But, man... I have a lot to bitch about. I'm sooooooooooooooo done with this crap.

And then there's the feature film I'm casting. And loving. And the... uh... high maintenance actors I'm encountering who make me change their audition appointments three times after having specifically requested the first appointment time (a request which was honored, of course). I realize: an actor who has "special requests" up front is far more likely to then change those requests and change them again and then never even show up than someone who just, up front, says, "I'll make it work," and does the job.

Also, I'm shocked at the questions actors ask when called in to audition. Shocked. No one would ask such things upon being contacted to have a job interview in ANY other industry. "Do I have to prepare all three pages?" "Is there any way I can come later? 11am is just so early for me." "There's no dialogue on this page. Only facial expressions. Do I have to do that for the audition?" Wow.

And, on the other end of the spectrum, there's the actress who called back to say she actually couldn't confirm her audition appointment for next week due to the fact that she's currently in labor and isn't sure how "up to auditioning" she'll feel once she has a six-day-old child. Wow. Now, THAT's a pro!

Okay... back to work. Not a day off in sight for weeks and weeks... and there hasn't been one off since the migraine days. That can't possibly count. The book is still due in a few weeks. That's what keeps me going, when I have to do this horrific job-job every day. This is my last of this nature. No doubt.

Posted by bonnie at 7:46 PM

September 2, 2003

Epiphany

Without going into any relevant detail...

It is a sad, but important, moment when you realize that, no matter what you do to protect someone, no matter what you do to stand up for them, to root for them, to kick some ass on their crippled behalf, you will never be able to keep them from feeling broken due to the actions of someone else.

It is a little liberating.

And it is tragic.

Sometimes there is no way to be a hero in a situation like this. Even if you behave as one, you do not spare anyone from their pain.

Posted by bonnie at 10:24 PM

August 7, 2003

Ah... Blissful

I don't know why it is... but no sleep plus disciplined, concentrated, uninterrupted work on the book is just about some of the most satisfying energy I know.

I did get 2.5 hours' sleep this morning, which was nice. Keith's cell phone woke me up. We have our phone-phone turned off while I finish the book. No time for conversation. No time for screening. We'll deal with it all when the book is in the printers' hands. It's just too close to being done for me to lose focus on the project now.

Major thank yous to my friends who have pitched in to do reviews, edits, and research for the book. Wow! I am blessed to know some really talented, dedicated people who are also very unselfish and willing to work for free. Okay, okay... there's a "thank you" in the credits somewhere, I'm sure.

Now, when we win the Saturday Lotto (estimated currently around $90M), I will buy something pretty for everyone who has helped make this book possible. Won't that be fun?

Okay. Back to work. Glad I love my work. Love my life too. It's good to be... yeah. I'm happy.

Posted by bonnie at 10:43 AM

July 8, 2003

What I've Learned from Miss Tyra...

It's not just Miss Tyra. It's all of the anorexics and dysfunctionals on America's Next Top Model. I'm not sure which episode was the first I watched, but it was probably about half-way through. So, tonight, they're doing a little "best of" for the first hour and I am catching up on all the catty. Oh, I have so much to learn to be a true diva!

Today I hurt a friend's feelings. Looks like I misread some signals and a specific request for help and, when I gave advice, I was harsh. I thought she needed it. Oops. I got a nice little over-coals-raking and cried and cried and cried. Still not sure I deserve what I got an earful of, but I'm also not sure she deserved what I dished out, thinking it was what she needed. Ugh. I hate miscommunication. It really sucks.

Chip is getting ready for his visit to Los Angeles. I'm excitedly thinking of things for us to do that will be fun for him and not too terribly expensive or touristy.

Ooh, I wish I could have some popcorn. Hmm.

Okay, if I could just be a diva, I would be a lot less worried about anyone but me. Instead, I worry about what others are thinking... of me. Oh wait. That's me being a diva after all! Cool.

Posted by bonnie at 8:49 PM

July 2, 2003

A Bit Off

So, I'm guessing that this is an annual thing for me: this malaise, this total boredom combined with an inability to sleep and supreme impatience with myself. Ugh. Don't like it one bit.

We are (well, Keith is, I was) puppy-sitting in Silverlake for 16 days. I had to come on home, though. Seems the neighbors there like to begin celebrating Independence Day early... and by firing their guns into the air. Don't like that. Also... very hot. And no DSL, no cable or DirecTV, no TiVo... (I'm such a tech snob now), which, while very productive for the first week (got lots of work done on the second book... which is now on Amazon.com--good lord, I MUST finish this thing--it's like they believe you when you say you're going to write a book... after you've proven that by writing one already), did not suit me once I got into the absolutely NO sleep thing. So, now back home, still feeling ugh. Glad to know it happens all the time (according to old journals) but also not so glad to have it happen at all.

Anyway, I've received no call that it's "go-time" for the third, fourth, and fifth casting jobs that I was told to plan on, come mid-June or so.

So, today, I sent my resumé out on four possible leads. Hate to move away from something that may come through with that ol' gang I love so much, but dammit, the money has smack run out. I let Katy and Sheila know that I may not be available when they finally do need me. That was hard to do, but also something I had to do, just out of respect for them and for my own prospects. I am definitely in a transitional place right now, and with my birthday coming up, that's not unexpected. As usual, I will celebrate My New Year's Day on July 11th, as January 1st means nothing to me. I have begun listing some resolutions, listing some qualities I care not to bring into the new year with me, etc.

None of that makes me feel any better. It's all just mind taffy at this point, and I'm bored bored bored bored bored.

Oh, I did see the photos of Chip's House and... MAN... yeah, that looks familiar, actually. What was it? There was a time Chip offered me $1000 to clean his house, top-to-bottom, but I had to be topless the whole time. I think the non-topless offer was $500 and I still said no. I did try to organize his comics every time I came over anyway (at least the ones in the bathroom).

Somehow, I think this will make me feel better.

veh_gal_fx45_1.jpg

Maybe?

TicTac is still in the body shop (Keith wrecked it two weeks ago) and will be there for at least another week. Grr.

I guess I have a bunch of little things going on that add up to "ugh." And really, any of the little things, alone, would suck a little. All at once and that's a lot of sucking.

Of course, Chip got me hooked on Friendster. Bastid. That's just addictive as all hell.

In news: Hollywood Happy Hour tomorrow. Woo hoo! AND The ActorsBone Flickering Image ShortsFest has put out the call for entries. I'm doing the screener wrangling again this year, so lemmeknow if you want to help out.

I guess that's about it. I really MUST finish that damn book. Sophomore Slump? What is this crap? Ugh.

Posted by bonnie at 8:13 PM

June 16, 2003

Heartstrings

How is it possible to have such deep, intense feelings for a sweet little munchkin after spending only a week with him?

I know that I have spent time with Quinn before, but it wasn't until this--his first week with us in Los Angeles--that I went from being "Dad's girlfriend" to being "My Bonnie."

See, Quinn, in his non-traditional family back home, has "My Mom" and "My Amber." And he's always had, in LA, "My Dad." Well, during dinner with his West Coast extended family, he made sure to list "My Bonnie," when explaining who his parents are.

Wow.

My heart melted a million times over.

And now, as I remind myself I don't have to tiptoe around at this hour to keep from waking the angel and as I am constantly surprised to not hear him asking me questions or telling me stories throughout the day, I am simply amazed at the pain in my heart over his absence.

How is that possible?

What a precious boy! What a delight that we were able to spend this past week together! I'm going to miss him every day for the next 51 weeks we spend without him here. That's just too long. Wow. I can't even articulate properly how I feel right now. Sad. Yes, that.

Posted by bonnie at 9:20 PM

June 15, 2003

The Paternal Instinct

Today is Father's Day. I have two dads; or so they tell me. One is the one who fathered me, then went away. The other is the one who was my mother's best friend for the last 15 years of her life.

Keith's dad was long gone before I met Keith, so Father's Day tends to be a one-sided gig over here. I contact the senior Gillespie and the man I call Papa Bear, and we hope that Keith's son is prompted to make contact with him.

Today, that was a "piece of cake," as Quinn loves to say. Quinn, Keith's four-and-a-half-year-old son, was here with us for a week. First time he's been permitted to come see us, and the kick-off to what we hope will be an annual event. I think Keith has the right to have Quinn here for a month each year, in the divorce agreement, but our goal here was to get that first trip under our proverbial belts and create a ritual that Quinn will look forward to and Keith will live for.

There is nothing as sad as hearing the voice of a man you love on the phone after having handed off his son, knowing he won't see him again for a year.

And also on this day...

My dear friends Nate and Ali have welcomed their precious son, 8lb. 7oz. 22" Michael Ryan into the world. What a blissful Father's Day gift! Congratulations, new family!

So, how did I do? Was I a good Fake Mom for the week? I was certainly a better Fake Mom than my Stepmonster was to me, when I would visit my Dad. I didn't disrobe and jump, drunk, into the local swimming pool, bragging about how well-hung my ancient new husband was. No... I simply followed the five-page instruction manual provided by Quinn's mom (yes... really) as well as I could and marveled at the fact that Keith is Quinn... simply a few years older. Suddenly, I'm more forgiving of Keith's childishness. It seems the Johnson boys are brilliant by the age of four... and then they're sort of done.

But, either way, I'm lucky to know both of those sweet boys.

Photos, if you're into that, are available here. Password: mighty. Enjoy!

Posted by bonnie at 3:15 PM

May 10, 2003

Glitch

It would seem that HaloScan has bitten the proverbial big one and comments no longer function on my Blogs. Bonus: the lack of the host resolving going on is causing a major lag time in my load (I know... isn't it sexy when I play geek?) and, for that reason, I'm pulling the damn thing from my Blogs.

No more comments. Grr.

Beyond that, I still love my job and I have lots of happy to share, but today is three months since Keith's mom died. Tomorrow would've been my mom's 70th birthday. And... well... tomorrow is that Mother's Day thing. So... I'm going to save my happy for when I'm really really happy and, meanwhile, just kind of sit with these feelings.

But things are good. Trust that. I sure do. ;)

Posted by bonnie at 9:43 PM

April 2, 2003

Le Sigh

A day of transition, of change, of a little bit of fear, and a whole lot of drama.

My resignation letter.

I truly believe that something bigger and better is on the horizon and that I've made the right choice in this situation.

integrity

\In*teg"ri*ty\, n. [L. integritas: cf. F. int['e]grit['e]. See Integer, and cf. Entirety.] 1. The state or quality of being entire or complete; wholeness; entireness; unbroken state; as, the integrity of an empire or territory. --Sir T. More.
2. Moral soundness; honesty; freedom from corrupting influence or motive; -- used especially with reference to the fulfillment of contracts, the discharge of agencies, trusts, and the like; uprightness; rectitude.

I believe the definition of integrity should also include this bit: when your actions match your words.

I feel good. Considering.

Say a little prayer, friends. Thank you.

Posted by bonnie at 11:33 PM

February 15, 2003

Fear Based

I'm afraid to post this out loud.

In fact, I'm going to put this article up quietly and then slink out of town for a few days to see if I can get away with saying all of this without causing much of a stir.

I think I may be turning into a Republican.

*cringe*

Now, I know it's not possible for me to ever really be a Republican, as I am a huge sucker for human rights, civil rights, reproductive freedom, domestic partnership legislation, federally funded programs for school lunches and the arts, and all that jazz. But...

I want a war.

So far, all of my way liberal friends (among whom I've stood at many a rally, fundraiser, or protest over the years) are coming out way anti-war. They want peace and they want it now.

I want Dubya to push the magic button and blow some shit away.

I'm tired of being tense over when the next strike against Americans will take place. I'm tired of being anxious after hearing the three thousandth story on the local news about how to properly duct tape ourselves into our homes and eat foods we've learned how to grow in our windowsill gardens. I'm tired of wondering just how many more suicide bombings in America-friendly locales have to take place before someone with some fucking firepower takes out the assholes who have the audacity to say that the space shuttle's deterioration on reentry was an act of a God who knows how evil America is.

Every time I hear a low-flying airplane, I am certain it's headed into the Hollywood sign just above my home and that it's being hit simultaneously with the Golden Gate Bridge, the Gateway Arch, and the Statue of Liberty.

I am sick of living in fear.

And, because being sick of living in fear means I want some action taken before the next attack on us, I live cloaked in a second layer of fear: that of being an un-closeted Republican.

Well... whatever. If my pro-war (and pro-right this fucking second) mentality makes me an evil Republican on the matter, I'll take it. I can joke every day about "not letting the terrorists win" and seeing the Terror Alert scale go from Bert to Ernie in color, but that doesn't mean that I'm not scared to death of living in this post-9/11 world of ours.

And to walk around with that fear... when we could just annihilate the source and be done with it?? Well, call me short-sighted. Perhaps I am. But after a year and half of looking over my shoulder as if a rapist is on my heels again, I'm exhausted.

Go get 'em, boys. Spank those fuckers down. Now.

Posted by bonnie at 2:51 AM

December 31, 2002

Happy Happy Happy

Celebrating so many, many, many things tonight. Thank you all for being a part of it! What a happy year!

Posted by bonnie at 12:30 PM

December 7, 2002

Long Overdue, Long Blog

I'm watching The Osbornes rerunning on MTV and I am having a blast watching Ozzy battling his addictions. Me too, man. "I always try sober in the worst possible conditions." Yup. Sharon's chemotherapy treatments are in the same facility where I spent many, many hours with Dawn this year. There's Gabriel. Loved him. Oh, and the back of Angela's head... I recognize her voice. Angels, those people at the Tower Oncology Group!

We're in the month that Mom died. I'm pretty clear that I'll spend the month weepy and reserved. I have scheduled some hefty social obligations for myself this month in an attempt to keep myself from never getting out of bed. Wish me luck! Had a good time at last night's VNU Publications Holiday Party. Glad I went. Almost didn't. We walked to Hollywood Blvd. to the lovely Henry Fonda Music Box Theatre. Lovely.

Keith and Rich taped the game show Lingo yesterday. They won! So, that'll be a nice little influx of cash. The new season begins on the 9th, so we'll be looking for their episode (episode?) and certainly tape it. I'm proud of my beau. Oh, he also had a very cool encounter with Tim Curry at the market this morning. Tim was SURE he recognized Keith from some film or TV show. Keith assured him, "Not yet. But you will," and gave him his card. Greatness.

I have responses to make to other Bloggers who've stirred... well, responses in me.

I am so very sad that Glenn Quinn has died.


That's me with Glenn and a friend who used to live in LA, Heather. We met up with the "Angel" cast at karaoke one night and ended up back at David Boreanaz's house 'til 5am. He's the one who took the photograph. Anyway... I'm just really sad about Glenn.

Oh, Chip, I am so very happy that SpyNotebook is back up and running. It was a sad few Blog-free days there. Thrilled you received the book and that you already feel ready to move to Hollywood to become a famous actor. I fully support you in that goal! Seriously, I hope you like the book. Lemme hear what you think of it, okay? Oh, why isn't there an all-local Athens radio station? At least WUOG does "Sound of the City" still, right? Man, I miss my radio days.

Courtney, baby! LOVED the T'giving photos. I'll put ours up soon. Oh, you said, "I kicked myself for not swerving off the freeway the other night to take down ideas when inspiration hit." A suggestion: carry a micro cassette recorder in the car with you. I used to do that when I was doing a ton of driving, and I'd speak my story ideas into the thing so that those thoughts weren't lost due to my need to commute. Try that. Hey, what'd you think of the casting in "Thirteen Conversations about One Thing," Courtney? I interviewed the casting director for that film and will probably meet with her again when I'm in New York to promote the book (nothing scheduled yet). So glad you enjoyed the Jury Duty Blog. Pretty interesting process, eh?

Of course, I am completely obsessed with finding out how the trial went. It should be over by now, and I really want to know the details of the case and whether the young woman was found guilty or not. Can't find a dang peep about it online or in any newspaper. Are murder trials so very common that there is no ink wasted on their outcomes anymore?

Anyway, back to Courtney, thank you for the congrats and hurrah on the book. I am very proud and less freaked out about the fact that it's here and it's been such a huge investment on so many levels. It's very exciting to hear Keith's tales of the reactions casting directors are having, when he drops off their copies of the book. They are very pleased. I hope actors will be too, when the book is finally for sale in bookstores on January 10th.

Miss Jocelyn, thank you too for enjoying the Jury Duty Blog. As for Hello Kitty goodies, the best places to buy are the tiny little shops here in LA. Of course, any heavily-Asian-populated neighborhood should have a respectable Mom & Pop Shop filled with those hard-to-find, non-corporate, original Hello Kitty treasures. The other day on CNN I saw a story about Hello Kitty's top holiday gifts, including the toaster, CD player, purse, and the standard stationery kits. The cool part was that there was a life-sized Hello Kitty costume on some poor kid standing silently next to the reporter. "Hey, I recognize that costume! I sold mine, identical to that one, on eBay for $225 in 1998." Sometimes I miss that big ol' Kitty Head hanging out in my apartment.

Anyway, to answer your question: online tends to be a better and better place to find the steals on hard-to-find Hello Kitty goodies, if you don't have the chance to go down to Little Five Points or something nouveau trendy like that. Hey, since when does the Engine Room do late night Thanksgiving dinner? Man, that's a whole new Engine Room! Oh, you asked about the 20/20 story. I had Blogged about it before... hm, probably in the neighborhood of November 8th, which is when the report aired. Basically, it was an undercover expos on casting director workshops, these events where actors pay to get to meet casting directors (who, BTW, are already paid by studios and production companies to meet actors). I'm looking forward to a follow-up report. There will be one, most certainly.

I went to see Ray Charles in Atlanta once. Fox Theatre. He was great! Did you enjoy the concert, Jocelyn? Oh, and I don't know whether the letters in "Alias" spell Vaughn, but I'd vote that's a good choice, if they're spelling anything at all (I'd guess they are and that there is someone online who has figured out some sort of code).

Tina, did you find it amazing that when Sean Blogs (like Nov. 19, Sept. 15, and July 6), there is ALWAYS some comment about "Reigns of Fire" in it? Maybe that's just me. I think the boy is fixated.

BrYan, "Damn Good Dog" indeed. Go Dawgs! And I hear ya on the delightful cheapness of drinks in Athens vs. anywhere else on the planet. Of course, here you can buy a cup of coffee (plain, normal, black coffee) for $4. So, I'm not even going to think about the days when I could go ALL OUT and do the town for $12 in Athens. Ah, sentimental old fool I am.

Okay, I'll try to bring my head up from under the covers every now and then to Blog a bit. I'm just sad. Miss my Mom. Sad about the friends I've lost this year, the family relationships that have completely disintegrated, and trying very hard to NOT think that it all has something to do with all that is wrong with me. After this many losses (especially the losses of choice) in a short period of time, I am inclined to believe that my faults are the ones driving people away. Faith was here yesterday for several hours and she made it absolutely clear that THAT was just not true. I love her. It's good to have a friend for 18 years.

Anyway, I try to do what Mom would do and focus on the lesson at all times. The lesson, the lesson, the lesson. And then it becomes okay that people fall away because it is all a part of some character-building exercise, leading to the complete Bonniness that I will be someday. So I have to see all the pain as a gift. Period.

Ugh. Shouldn't Blog when depressed. Worry not, readers, I'm good. This is all expected December lifestyle stuff for me. I have a project starting up next week that will give me something on which to obsess... and for once I think that will be a very very very smart use of my energy.

Cheers,

-Bon.
More genius from Rose: "Information wants to be free, as long as it's properly credited. Or even if it's not." - November, 2002, Somesuch-Whatnot

Posted by bonnie at 6:08 PM

December 30, 2001

Holiday Reflections, 2001

The sound of a heart breaking is unmistakable.

Joy-filled laughter explodes with blatant disregard for decorum.

We are always more regret-filled for the risks we did not take than for those we did.

While heartrates may increase, time itself stands still during the words, "Will you marry me?"

Words of wisdom from those we've lost may no longer be audible, but if we are willing to learn a sort of spiritual braille, the insight is still available to us.

Animals know when to hug us the most.

Family is not defined by genetic contribution.

Taking care of yourself is the best way to take care of those you love.

One must never outgrow bedtime stories.

There will never be enough time to do everything.

Love is a verb first, then a noun.

Posted by bonnie at 7:31 AM

October 4, 2001

A Break from the Ordinary

A young writer/friend of mine asked recently whether I found it hard to write comedy in the face of tragic events. The answer is, "I don't know." I haven't written anything funny since September 9th. That's when I turned in my piece about LA Car Chases. Gosh, I hope that was funny. It was meant to be. I think my funny-meter needs recalibrating now.

And it's not just me.

As I write this essay, it is nine months since my mother passed away. I miss her every day. I remember, for the first few weeks after she died, I'd walk around, see people out in public, and wonder, "How can I know what loss you've experienced?" It occurred to me that we never know what someone else may be facing, yet we treat one another as if we know how we all feel. We haven't a clue.

I considered grabbing an old essay, dusting it off, and turning it in, hoping that the humor would endure and that everyone would be satisfied with another cynical rant. And then I thought about the kids I mentor. I am a cyber-mentor to a handful of students at a school in New York. How can I ask them to let their feelings come through their writing, when I choose not to do the same?

So, what's my point?

Well, I think it has something to do with an activity that takes place right outside my front door every day.

I live on the street that leads, although complicatedly, to the Hollywood Sign. The view from right in front of my apartment is awesome (in the non-'80s sense of the word). Every day, several cars stop right in front of my front door so that the drivers may get out, snap a quick photo of the sign, and then hop back in to see if they can get closer without getting lost (they cannot).

Recently, the neighbor across the street sat on her balcony, enjoying the view and a phone call. After a driver stopped and interrupted her to ask the best route toward the sign, she resumed her conversation, now complaining about the constant tourist parade we, the residents of the Hollywood Hills, endure. She was clearly very disturbed that she, because of where she lived, had to answer questions of non-English-speaking, elderly, or clueless tourists.

I say, pass the burden to me. I love where I live. I love my life. And I am well-aware of the fact that countless others wish they had the life that I, too frequently, take for granted.

So, is it hard to write comedy in the face of tragedy? Yes. Will I still do it? Yes. I must. I have worked my ass off to live the life I lead, and I do not take for granted a single gift included in this life. I miss my mother every day, but there is not a day she lived since my birth in which she doubted how much I loved her.

I love what I do. I love where I live. I love the people in my life. And I love giving complicated directions to gawking tourists in rental cars.

Posted by bonnie at 1:50 PM

January 3, 2001

A Tribute To My Mother

Charlsie Simonds Weaver
11 May 1933 - 28 December 2000

I want to thank each and every one of you for your prayers and support during my mother's battle with pancreatic cancer. She is missed as much as she was loved, and that's enormously.

We are all born with a quest for knowledge. We hunger for an understanding of the world around us. Charlsie's was a passion for learning. Learning anything and everything.

To be in Charlsie's life was to learn from her. Her every interaction left you changed forever. She was fascinated by what new things you'd been learning and how she could learn more about you by listening to your stories.

Charlsie leaned in when she listened. She squinted to read every word. She took notes in the margins of her books and asked questions to be sure she understood.

Many in her life consider her a teacher. She took thousands of us on journeys through a Course in Miracles, Sunday School, Reiki Healing Courses, Cub Scouts leadership, and the countless hours spent one-on-one, shining a light on the path we walk. Charlsie could make the nonsense of our lives seem logical. Her thoughtful explanations gave us hope that our journeys were in fact fated, and we were learning exactly the lessons God had sent for us.

Somehow, Charlsie taught us to see ourselves more deeply, with the richness of texture she saw in us, all with a simple analogy she shared so generously.

Charlsie passed her love of learning on to her children. Each of us believe that we can do anything, simply because she never let us doubt that fact. She climbed into bed with her children and read to us with the enthusiasm and passion that she felt, as she took the character's adventure right along with him. In a way, she received her formal education with us, as we shared our class notes with her, explaining concepts and theories she delighted in consuming.

When Art attended continuing education courses, he would be greeted at home by a woman ready for her lesson. He would experience class all over again, as he shared his class notes with Charlsie. The two of them attended spiritual workshops with The Sparkies group here in the mountains, thrilled to have connected with fellow seekers in their new community.

From her childhood habit of counting columns and columns of numbers to learn about addition to her most recent class in knitting, Charlsie found her thirst for knowledge quenched, but never satisfied. There was always another new thing to learn.

--from the Eulogy, by Bonnie Gillespie

Posted by bonnie at 7:33 AM

December 12, 2000

Thank You, Everyone!

I really do appreciate all of the warm posts and emails you've sent. This is tough, of course, but it should end quickly, as her cancer is very far along. I've told Mom that people who don't know her are sending thoughts and prayers from LA and she says that makes her happy. Not only because it energizes her, but because it give her an indication of the types of people I've surrounded myself with "out in LA, so far away". There is so much that makes this difficult - but it is such a blessing that Mom has never once, for a moment, doubted how much she is loved. It's not like I have a list of things to say to her before she goes. My only task is to hold her hand (and all the things for which that's a metaphor).

Again, thank you all for everything. I'm coming back to LA next week and will take you up on your offers of "distractions" (ala movies, coffees, walks, hugs). Meanwhile, thanks for being a community I can "check in" with from Atlanta. It helps more than you know. XXOO

Posted by bonnie at 4:51 AM

December 11, 2000

From N. Barry Carver

Swords Are Tempered Slowly
- For My Friend Bonnie, with my prayers.

(Any blade can stab you
Cause damage, give pain,
But the one your trials makes you
Can withstand awful strain.)

The forge is a taste of Hell
Hot sparks, deep burn,
But that lurid cauldron's metal
Is stable, solid, stern.

When returned to water
Sputtering, acrid steam,
Quickly calmed down to murmur -
Then the blast of Hell again.

The anvil tests it further
Crushing, claxon ring,
Beaten into shaped surrender -
Deadly hot and sharpening.

When the trials all give way
Great pressure, bright fire,
A sword is made by close of day:
Deadly tool but purposed higher.

All unneeded torn away,
Charred and wrenched from mire,
Torturous pain tempers a blade,
Gives a resolve, which we admire.

(Hot, bitter tears you've paid,
Suffered unfocusable ire... but,
Hurts and sorrows on us laid
Make us worthy to inspire.)

Posted by bonnie at 10:47 AM

December 10, 2000

Good News/Bad News

Hi Gang, I'm really proud of my cast for "The Female Perspective" over at The Next Stage. Here is a link to our first review (two more due out at week's end). The show is on through December 16th and we'll work on putting it up again soon thereafter, if at all possible.

This good review and the strength of the cast helps me briefly feel relief from from the emotion of seeing my mother suffer. Thank you to all of you who helped me execute a speedy departure from LA and let the "show go on" and kick ass to boot. Things are grim here in Atlanta. Please keep those prayers coming.

Posted by bonnie at 10:20 PM

November 22, 2000

Sappy Thanksgiving Message

I am thankful for the WAE and all its members. I have been fortunate enough to meet, watch, and perform with quite a few of you this year and I know my life is better for it.

Thank you Sterling & Elizabeth for letting us call this place home. I'm constantly amazed at the threads the 'den has woven through my life.

Every one of you that I've been fortunate enough to get to know has impressed me with professionalism, talent, and - most of all - passion! Best of all, you really do form a caring and supportive community. How novel!

Thanks for extending that first welcome mat. And for those of you I haven't met yet... soon, soon!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Posted by bonnie at 12:29 AM

June 19, 2000

Extreme Self-Care

I can't even believe that it's been over a month since I've updated my webpage. Talk about being busy! Again, life is good. I had a bout with a panic attack for a few days last week, and this was long in coming, I'm sure. I'd been running around from job to job to job (underpaid at each) and coming home to loads of messages from friends needing me, needing my advice, needing my energy. I always said yes. Yes, I'll work longer, yes, I'll work harder, yes, I'll take you here, yes, I'll give you this. The answer was never no. Except when the question was, "Will you take a minute to take care of yourself?"

So, last week, I finally broke down. The body gives amazing signals to the mind, if only I'd listen before it got to an all-out panic! Anyway, the decision after the emotion was EXTREME SELF CARE--WITHOUT APOLOGY. So, for over a week now, I've cared for me first, most, and best. It is amazing how the Universe has responded. It's as if the Universe was waiting for me to make this move before providing me with the abundance it has had in store for me. Just like that, I have more auditions than I could've expected. Projects that were scheduled to have wrapped by now have had unexpected delays and, in fact, I am what they were looking for--am I available now? Amazing!

Needless to say, I am grateful for this windfall. I am also very aware of what it took, in terms of self-care, to get to this. I have been asking for what I need, and I am being provided with it. I have been putting myself around the people that share my values, and I am reminded that THIS is my peer group. I have been involved in creative pursuits that I'm telling no one about, and I am creating for MY sake, not for what anyone will think of what I have done.

THIS is truly the best use of my energy right now. I am blessed with the ability to JUST BE. I have nothing to prove, and it's proving to be really wonderful!

Posted by bonnie at 5:10 PM

May 7, 2000

Operator

Oh, I so love my life! What blessings I've encountered on a daily basis since the Energy/Chakra work with Dr. Van Dyck! It's as if the Clearing has prevented me from obsessing, fixating, or even focusing on issues that previously would've taken up the majority of my life for days at a time. It's a beautiful thing. When Heather and I were at the beach Friday, I tried to remember something that would've normally been at the forefront of my obsessions and I couldn't even use common recall to establish what I thought I wanted to say. How beautiful!

When I returned from Atlanta, it was as though I had no hang-ups that I'd had before I left. And I mean NONE. Like lifetimes' worth of hang-ups... cleared away. I'd had such anxiety over ending my relationship with The Attic Theatre and AIPS (Improv Traffic School). Here I'd left The Attic in late December and AIPS in early February, but I hadn't closed the door with either. It's as if I feared that severing the ties would prevent me from having a connection I could possibly need in the future (like, what if I HAD to work a Traffic School class to make a rent payment? or what if The Attic suddenly became The Link to the Industry?) which is really an unreasonable thing to carry around. Anyway, when I returned to town, without even thinking about it, I made my peace with each, returning belongings and answering emails. I think the beauty of this is the NOT thinking about it. It just IS. What a blessing!

The image of the old-time phone operator disconnecting from the wall of phone jacks is the one that I keep visualizing. Please, friends, let me know if you have a picture of this that I could use. I need the visual! But think about it, the idea of pulling your cord out of a socket and letting it just recoil back into its slot... removing any connection to another's energy... it's just lovely. And I do it every day, every night, and moments in between (especially while driving in this crazy city).

I believe that this is how I've been able to deal with the tremendous loss that's happened this week. My Major Professor, the husband to my advisor at WUOG, father to the children I taught at Athens Academy, head of the Peabody Awards, and truly, one of my mentors, died Tuesday at the age of 47 while playing basketball with another of my mentor/professor/friends. The stories are here: Online Athens, Red and Black, and the Atlanta Journal and Constitution. This is a huge loss for everyone who knew Barry. Shermans, you are in my prayers now and always.

I've learned that I have some very special friends. I mean, I knew that anyway, but when I came home to a dozen messages from all over the country, checking on me, I knew... and even more so when, the next day, the messages were all from my LA friends, checking on me. How wonderful! I love you all for giving a shit. That's actually a big thing!

I have to say, I've become spoiled by my connections. I'm so devoted to my friends, and so connected to "my people" that when I am around people who don't "get me," I am really in an unpleasant place. It really sucks to have to be around folks who don't feel your energy and automatically respond to it when there are folks who do. I was at one of my many consulting gigs recently and endured a 20 minute conversation on nude vs. black hose with open-toed shoes at a wedding. Who gives a shit? I mean, maybe, someday, I'll be the type that'll need to have that conversation... wait, what am I saying? I'll never be that TYPE. Anyway, it's just tough to be around people with whom you don't connect... and sometimes you just have to endure those moments. It really makes me appreciate the soul connections I've made in my life. I am truly blessed.

Posted by bonnie at 5:10 PM

April 21, 2000

The Religion of Dieting

Back from Hotlanta w/ renewed spirit. Ready to accept the challenge posed to me by Dawn wherein I spend an entire day NOT thinking about my weight. What a concept!

Here's what I wrote while in Atlanta: "To All the Diets I've Trusted Before"... cottage cheese & beets, potatoes, slim fast, fibar, fasting, anorexia, bulimia, excel herbs, jenny craig, atkins, instant soups / drinks / bars, star caps, metabolife, ayurvedic eating, blood type eating, carbohydrate addict's program, the zone, oprah's program, redux, fen-phen, pondamin, taping a tachyon disk to my torso, meditation, acupressure, affirmations, breaking free, callanetics, walking, jogging, aerobics, weight training, personal trainer, cardio, dance, yoga, krav maga... MASOCHISM... Diet has been my religion. Weight, my God. I go from church to temple to church, looking for the path that saves me, all the while cursing God for saddling me with this burden. When, in fact, the burden is the burdener. By cursing what it does to me, I validate its very existence and invite it to stay longer, deeper rooted, invested in my struggle. I pray every day, where prayer means speaking to my God. I've chosen diet to define me rather than just being, and letting diet just be, both of us independent of the other. Father-Mother God and Holy Spirit, assist me in living my life free from the obsession over weight, diets, numbers on a scale, or printed on a clothing tag, NOW. Thank you. I don't buy into your sales pitch any more, diet. You're slick and manipulative and the brochure looks so good. But I've been burned by your bait and switch to such an extent that I no longer seek ANY church sanctioned by your religion.

Totally unrelated to weight, but a question I'm pondering of late: Why is it that guys believe, when an attractive woman smiles, is friendly, and makes eye contact during conversation, that this is an invitation to sleep with her? I suppose I should be grateful that I am found appealing instead of repulsive, but it's really starting to piss me off. If I want to have a conversation w/ someone, male or female, shouldn't I be able to do so w/o having to then fend off a sleazy proposal? I really wonder what kind of "vibe" I'm putting out there that this is considered an appropriate advance.

Someone recently asked me why I didn't like dating out here... this is a big part of it. And maybe geography has nothing to do with it. I just don't remember there being this assumption that my interaction was indicative of a need for Hot Sex Now. And then I'm made to feel like a bitch for NOT wanting to hand over my phone number! Any ideas, gang?

Just so you'll know, I'm in a great place, having had a blissful visit home and feeling completely recharged. Nice to get away... and get back!

Posted by bonnie at 5:09 PM

March 4, 2000

Process

My knuckles are badly bruised. I'm feeling extremely narcissistic about my hands. This is an amazing feeling. I love having hit something so hard and with so much fire that it didn't even occur to me to protect my formerly fragile wrists. At the end of a very frustrating week, the last thing I wanted to do was Krav Maga. Dawn made me go -- and thank goodness she did! Totally worth it. I'm sore today, but it's so very gratifying.

Last week's emotional melt-down came when I'd pounded Dawn so hard the instructor came over and took her place holding the pad. I sent him reeling. When I recoiled, I went way deep into a corner of myself and began to weep. The instructor sweetly asked if I were hurt - when the last thing I wanted was attention. Dawn asked if we should leave -- and I said no, knowing that I would never come back if I were to leave. This is exactly why I began this process -- to finish it. There is no giving up when it gets hard.

Of course, there's this overwhelming fear of NOT having this soul-gripping block in my life. I've become so comfortable with it, so accustomed to living with it, that I fear how to live without it. What if, in eliminating the block, I lose something innately "Bonnie" about me? You know, that seemed like a good question a week ago, but just typing it right now, it seems a ridiculous thing to even ask. Good. That's progress. And that's the idea. Each day brings me closer to the time when this pain is dissolved. Yes, there will always be new hurts to put in its place, but they're ones I'll conquer quickly, compared to this. Of course, I may not recognize my life without this block. That's GOOD. That's FINE. That's the POINT!

So, I continue forward....

Posted by bonnie at 5:06 PM

February 13, 2000

Reverence

Gary Zukov says that the soul needs four things. Harmony (with Intention... not in the way that we'll do whatever it takes to keep conflict from happening, but that it is our intention to have love and harmony in our lives, so we don't engage the driver who's filled with road rage -- man, that's big in LA); Cooperation (it's the goal that causes us to be together for this moment in time); Sharing (and not the little stuff that we can do without -- the things that make up our very soul); and Reverence for Life (seeing beyond the "Earth Suit" when we see others and - most importantly - ourselves in the mirror).

My favorite point he makes about Reverence is that we can never do anything to harm what we revere. So, do I revere myself? Not when I'm cruel or filled with self-hatred over a few pounds. I'm so happy to know that I am so much more than my physical body. In fact, I am so NOT my physical body. Any judgment I lay on myself is not really on My Self. It's on my body. And that is not ME.

The reason I start out on this today is because, after one session of Krav Maga, I became very ill. Now, I haven't been sick like this for quite some time. I know what happened. In fact, I felt it happen during the workout. As soon as the drill went from technique to application, I had to punch and kick a pad held by a man. Although he was extremely helpful in coaching me, the point is, he's a man... he's playing the attacker... and I'm having to defend myself physically. It just opened up wounds I've kept sealed for years.

See, my body has protected me from having to be in that situation again. And now, learning how to handle myself, in case lightening strikes twice, I've become too ill to learn more. What is it that my body will do, once its main duty has become obsolete? Well, it's panicking, for damn sure.

I'm both frustrated and thankful, because I know that my body is only doing what I've asked it to do for almost 14 years -- keep me safe. But, at the same time, I really do want to do this. Numerologically, I'm in my emotional year, so it's about time to do the dirty work and get past this bullshit. And I'm now I'm pissed at having wasted time and money -- and for having delayed Dawn's start date too. So, maybe that's what it's taking for me to get to the point where I CAN do this, being pissed off enough to take control of this situation, that on some level, has controlled me for far too long.

God, I hope so. I am so ready to not be dealing with this. So, soul, I'm laying out my INTENTION to work through the pain and stop fearing entry into it. I REVERE myself enough to no longer harm myself by inaction. Looking the other way has taught me many lessons, and I do not regret one day of my life in denial, but it's time to learn in a different way. Starting now.

Posted by bonnie at 5:06 PM

January 28, 2000

13 Months in LA

Tomorrow marks 13 months in LA. The last time I'd spent 13 months in LA, I was desperately counting the moments until my flight "home", having given up any hopes of living my passion as an actor.

Today, as I drove back "over the hill" after doing another of my weekly "agent days" with Traci, I thought, "I am truly blessed. I get to live in this beautiful city, spend each and every day doing exactly what I want to do, and I am prosperous! I am succeeding at living MY life, passion-filled and abundant."

The difference is this: I was doubting my choices last time out. I really questioned every choice I made, too worried about what each thing I'd done said about me, in the eyes of everyone else. This time, I know that it is not possible to make a Wrong Choice, simply because of the fact that I am living MY life. And that's why everything seems to just "click".

In fact, my energy level has been so high in January, I've been asking others if they're feeling it too. They are. It's as if my metabolism is in high gear, my mental abilities are firing fast, and my drive is overwhelming. Already in January, I've had several dates (and several more invitations I've not accepted ...yet... tee hee), many auditions, and have already wrapped an indie film. This year is amazing. The promise is unlimited! Like I said; what a blessing!

I start Krav Maga next week. I've dumped Jenny Craig. I cannot afford $80 per week to do it. I'm realizing that what really caused me to lose weight before was my daily commitment to exercise. The food stuff doesn't matter nearly as much when you're working out. So, I begin learning the Israeli Army's combat technique, Krav Maga, next week. I'm so very excited, knowing that the strength, confidence, and energy release will be the true benefits -- and weight loss will just so happen to be a by-product.

Posted by bonnie at 5:05 PM

October 12, 1999

Feeling the Feelings

There is something very painful about KNOWING this work is emotional and then putting hope into yet another physical "plan". Call it whatever you want... it's always another fucking diet. After several very obsessed days, I finally came to this: I have a choice to either buy into my struggle as Purely Physical, meaning I invest all of my time and energy into proper diet and exercise with no slips - OR - I go within, to where the struggle began, where the emotional architecture was erected in my childhood, and I fix it THERE. When I feel the craving to fill an emptiness that food will NEVER satiate, I must, at that moment, get still and feel the very pain that created the need for that physical mask.

I used to be a drug addict. Now that I no longer have that crutch, I've cycled through sex, alcohol, compulsive exercising, and the old stand-by of food, all to help me through when I don't want to feel my feelings. I think I've even used an obsession with fairness as a crutch, as I still go back and choreograph a fight that will show the world all of the injustices I've faced, rather than just letting go.

So, just as I felt an amazing amount of fear recently, and made myself, "Just shut up," every time I tried to obsess about it; I must now do the same when I want to use anything other than REALLY FEELING THE FEELINGS when I'm in pain. Damn it, it was HUGE for me to come off of pain killers, and I really didn't think that I had substituted something else in their place. To realize that I have - this is a very painful thing. But it makes so much sense as I to why I've attracted people in my life this past year who will lead me to addictive behavior. They've been protecting me from doing the real work.

As hard as it is to be truly AWARE and as easy as it is to choose NOT to deal with my pain (God, I know sooo many ways to avoid it), I now know that I MUST "go there". If I do not, I am no better than the junkie I was 19 months ago. Maybe that's why it was so easy to stay an addict for ten years. It's "the devil you know" syndrome.

Point is, I REFUSE to let the terror of being AWARE consume my spirit. I WANT to deal with my shit. I really do. And that means, as hard as it is to say, that I cannot bargain my way out of an emotion. Not with a drug, not with food, not with anything. I chose this path. And damn it, I am going to walk upon it. I am going to face the very fears that caused me to pop the first pain pill. I am going to face what caused me to stop eating in 1985. I am going to face the lies that created my childhood reality. And, for the love of God, I am going to scream out loud that BEING FAT DOES NOT PREVENT ME FROM BEING RAPED. It's time to let go of this protective armor. Because it's really not protecting me at all. It's only giving me the illusion that I am safe. (Because if I hate myself, then men who would rape me will hate me too... and never try to take me.) The TRUTH is, if I hate myself, then I attract negativity - since, "why would some slob like me ever deserve anything good?"

I could use a zillion clichs to describe this feeling. But the best thing I can say right now is this: I am committed to doing the hard work that goes with being present every moment of my life. I will no longer medicate away my pain with ANYTHING. This doesn't mean I cannot drink or have sex or zone out with the television or eat ice cream. What it means is, I will visit the feeling FIRST. Then, after doing the work, if I still desire the DRUG, it'll be a reward for a job well done -- not a way to escape the work in the first place. What'll you bet I end up needing "it" next to never?

Thank you, God, for your infinite wisdom, and for giving me peace and the clearest signals that I am on the right path EVERY DAY... as long as I stop to look.

Posted by bonnie at 5:01 PM

October 3, 1999

Forward Motion

Well, I think I've resolved myself to the fact that I'm in my size 14 jeans again. I'm trying to be happy with that, knowing that it's all a matter of how I FEEL about myself that really matters. Oh, in fact, I wrote a little something in my "old fashioned" journal that I'll share here...

I'm truly perplexed by the bullshit of being stuck in my negative body image. It's so very frustrating to know on the one hand that I am my spirit - not my body... filled with self love and wonderment for the miracle that is my life and God's universe... then on the other, feel so ugly and fat and poor and devoid of options in every arena. God, I KNOW better. I know that it's not my body that will get me happiness - not my hips that will determine my status on this planet. God - it's such bullshit to even argue the issue! I keep going back and forth! There's a part of me that wants to go out and exercise - starve myself - get "back on track" to the size 12 that makes me feel like I have a right to take up space on this planet. Then there's a part of me that says, "Fuck it! Be happy BEING - and know that this is an illusion anyway - don't buy into it - just LIVE." And I'm totally THERE... and then I put on the tight size 14 jeans again - and suddenly I'm stepping on the scale that reads 205... wondering why I wasted thousands of dollars losing 36 lbs. last year - only to undo it all once I moved out here - where it matters more than it ever could have in Athens. I HATE this going back and forth thing. It's torture. If I could be 100% obsessed or 100% okay with me - that'd be deal-with-able. It's the back and forth that kills me. It's fucking torture and I don't know what to do!

And later that day...

A-ha! This experiment, this life experiment of hating my body - here's what this is about!! It's to teach myself this: I do not LOVE unconditionally. If I loved unconditionally - loved ALL people and things - I would also love ME!!

The next day...

Okay, I've figured out which voice it is that keeps me obsessed AND why it's so hard to shut it up: When I want to fight a parking ticket - even after it's been paid; when I want to argue my side of the story to someone who believes a lie about me - even though we haven't spoken in two months; when I want to send a collector out to retrieve my $1000 from a company that stiffed me; these are examples of the FAIRNESS VOICE. This voice truly believes that life is fair and that a good argument can always prove your case, causing everyone else to gasp, "Oh! We were SO wrong!" Now - any time I indulge that voice by even entertaining the thought that it's right (like when I imagine what I'd say to a judge about my hours worked or all the things I'd point out to a former friend about another's lies or what I'd say to convince the parking bureau that they were mistaken) I further its hold on my spirit. It's like, just by engaging it, I've opened myself up to letting that voice be MY voice. And that is where weight obsession comes in. If I let the voice in - then it starts in on how physical means will supply physical results - and I get obsessed over money and my body and all sorts of mess. And it's much harder to shut up a voice that was allowed to speak when building a case for all the other stuff.

Then I got interrupted. Then wrote...

Had to answer a call... working on Days of Our Lives today.

Now, if that's not evidence of the universe answering when we really HIT ON IT... I don't know what is. So, I'm getting there.

Posted by bonnie at 4:59 PM

September 24, 1999

Earthbound

I've been doing Callanetics, but only sporadically. I also find myself not walking as much as I was earlier in the month, now that I'm working so frequently. I've also been sick for a week. That's no fun. Hate the flu! But I believe that it was a physical manifestation of the emotional mess that's going on. Or WAS going on, I'll say. I'd gotten Earthbound, forgetting that pursuits of prosperity are spiritual in nature, not physical. I know better. Sometimes I forget. Often I forget. I get conned into believing the commercials that say I could lose ten pounds in four days... think that there's some sense to those damn infomercials... and begin to doubt the wisdom that's run the universe for more time than arbitrary "years" could ever measure. So, I say that I'm back on track with the spiritual... but I still listen to the audiobook Mastering the Zone as I drive around. The contradictions are comical. The results are tragic.

Posted by bonnie at 4:58 PM

August 15, 1999

Acceptance

Can you FORCE yourself to love and accept yourself just as you are? No, sadly. Instead, you must GENTLY allow yourself your mistakes and your slips AND your accomplishments, knowing that you are exactly where you are supposed to be, doing what God intended. If you trust that you are on the right path, and everything is a lesson, then nothing is a mistake. Not even a load of chocolate. So, this is hard to do, but I'm committed to loving myself exactly as I am. Period. Not ten pounds from now, not when I'm cast in a show, not at any time in the future INSTEAD of right now. This is who I am AT THIS MOMENT, and I have to be okay with that.

Posted by bonnie at 4:57 PM

April 20, 1999

Emotions

Emotions emotions emotions! Damn it, this is hard work. I get so afraid of telling anyone what I really want or need, or how it hurts me when they treat me carelessly... so I never say a word. AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT LANDED ME HERE! I have to do this! All the way through. It is so hard to stand up for myself, when I've thought my whole life that I have to be perfect or else I will be left, I'll be unloved, I'll be abandoned. So, as soon as I feel the need to stand up for myself, I get petrified of the consequences... and do nothing. Oh, well... I eat.

Right now I'm just thankful that I'm not smoking, drinking, drugging, sexing, or lying my way through the pain... eating, I can handle. And I'm keeping it in check by staying 90% on Jenny Craig and showing up at the scale every Thursday, like it or not. So, that's progress. It really is. But now I have to find the guts to take care of me, no matter what. I HAVE to stop worrying so much about what others may think of me if I do... anything. It doesn't matter. This is about me. It's time for me to begin treating myself with the respect and love I reserve for everyone else and stop expecting it from them. That's not what creates my self worth. And it's not their judgements that diminish it. It's my own.

Posted by bonnie at 4:46 PM

March 24, 1999

Stuck

I think I'm stuck. I love my life, acting class is phenomenal, work is great, social life is booming, and I'm stuck. What's up with that? I'm not sure. I know that I have some major fear to get past, regarding living my life in weights at which hard things happened to me in the past. My theory is, when you lose weight, you go through the emotions that you used food to cover up when you were going in the other direction. So, I have to be "out" about my long-hidden issues regarding my body, men, sex, and my happiness. This is getting tough... but it's a very rewarding process.

Posted by bonnie at 4:45 PM

March 11, 1999

Geneen Roth

It's now time to deal with the much harder part of losing weight: the emotional issues. I attended a Geneen Roth workshop this weekend. The issues are TRUST and PRESENCE. That's the goal now... trust the process, and stay present in the moment... live life NOW. Not in ten pounds.

Posted by bonnie at 4:44 PM