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October 3, 1999

Forward Motion

Well, I think I've resolved myself to the fact that I'm in my size 14 jeans again. I'm trying to be happy with that, knowing that it's all a matter of how I FEEL about myself that really matters. Oh, in fact, I wrote a little something in my "old fashioned" journal that I'll share here...

I'm truly perplexed by the bullshit of being stuck in my negative body image. It's so very frustrating to know on the one hand that I am my spirit - not my body... filled with self love and wonderment for the miracle that is my life and God's universe... then on the other, feel so ugly and fat and poor and devoid of options in every arena. God, I KNOW better. I know that it's not my body that will get me happiness - not my hips that will determine my status on this planet. God - it's such bullshit to even argue the issue! I keep going back and forth! There's a part of me that wants to go out and exercise - starve myself - get "back on track" to the size 12 that makes me feel like I have a right to take up space on this planet. Then there's a part of me that says, "Fuck it! Be happy BEING - and know that this is an illusion anyway - don't buy into it - just LIVE." And I'm totally THERE... and then I put on the tight size 14 jeans again - and suddenly I'm stepping on the scale that reads 205... wondering why I wasted thousands of dollars losing 36 lbs. last year - only to undo it all once I moved out here - where it matters more than it ever could have in Athens. I HATE this going back and forth thing. It's torture. If I could be 100% obsessed or 100% okay with me - that'd be deal-with-able. It's the back and forth that kills me. It's fucking torture and I don't know what to do!

And later that day...

A-ha! This experiment, this life experiment of hating my body - here's what this is about!! It's to teach myself this: I do not LOVE unconditionally. If I loved unconditionally - loved ALL people and things - I would also love ME!!

The next day...

Okay, I've figured out which voice it is that keeps me obsessed AND why it's so hard to shut it up: When I want to fight a parking ticket - even after it's been paid; when I want to argue my side of the story to someone who believes a lie about me - even though we haven't spoken in two months; when I want to send a collector out to retrieve my $1000 from a company that stiffed me; these are examples of the FAIRNESS VOICE. This voice truly believes that life is fair and that a good argument can always prove your case, causing everyone else to gasp, "Oh! We were SO wrong!" Now - any time I indulge that voice by even entertaining the thought that it's right (like when I imagine what I'd say to a judge about my hours worked or all the things I'd point out to a former friend about another's lies or what I'd say to convince the parking bureau that they were mistaken) I further its hold on my spirit. It's like, just by engaging it, I've opened myself up to letting that voice be MY voice. And that is where weight obsession comes in. If I let the voice in - then it starts in on how physical means will supply physical results - and I get obsessed over money and my body and all sorts of mess. And it's much harder to shut up a voice that was allowed to speak when building a case for all the other stuff.

Then I got interrupted. Then wrote...

Had to answer a call... working on Days of Our Lives today.

Now, if that's not evidence of the universe answering when we really HIT ON IT... I don't know what is. So, I'm getting there.

Posted by bonnie at October 3, 1999 4:59 PM