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May 31, 2004

Can't Sleep

And yes, I tried. I have about a zillion things running through my mind right now--really exciting, wonderful, charged through the roof kind of things just soaring through my heart, soul, and mind.

This is good. This is very, very good.

Posted by bonnie at 5:20 AM

May 30, 2004

Definitions

I have two definitions to share. The first, a part of me I'm trying to let go. The second, a part of me I'm trying to embrace.

mas-och-ism (ms-kzm) n.
*A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences.

de-lights (d-lts) v.
*To take great pleasure or joy: delights in taking long walks.
*To give great pleasure or joy: an old movie that still delights.

So...

Why is it that, while I have the most joy-filled experience going on in my apartment (a beautiful five-year-old boy, bubbling over with excitement and glee, giddy to share his every thought and feeling--just like his dad--with me and the cats and the wall and the universe), I would seek out negativity on the Internet? Sometimes, I really wish I would just unplug the whole damn thing. Go all Amish on everyone.

Even though that choice would certainly cause more trouble than the amount of grief it would save me, there are times I imagine that as a delightful option. I can't know what horrible things people are saying about me if I just unplug.

But the big question, for me, is why do I seek it? Why do I go looking? Why do I give a shit what anyone has to say about me online... especially when I brag about being so very open about my life? It's a double-edged sword, Gillespie. You know that! Be open... and then you're open.

Ah, gotta shake it off. It's going to be out there whether I seek it out or not. It's always going to be out there somewhere. That's just part of life. So, rather than trying to figure out why it is I go seeking that crap, how about if I come up with a strategy for remembering joy, remembering the things that delight, and quickly shaking off the bullshit that folks want to spew about me and the way I live my life?

Ooh, this seems to be working. I'm flipping through the digital images of Quinn and his dad... doting, wonderful, eager child with so much love to give. I'm listening to his breathing as he sleeps, knowing how good it feels to have him kiss my forehead in the morning, whispering, "Bonnie. Bonnie. I'm awake." So precious. And... I'm writing about my feelings. Getting it all "out there" (more grist for the mill, perhaps) and moving on.

One more definition, then.

ther-a-peu-tic (thr-pytk) adj.
*Having or exhibiting healing powers: a therapeutic agent; therapeutic exercises.

And again, life is good.

Phew! Nothing like a good workout!!

Posted by bonnie at 10:07 PM

May 26, 2004

Good Lord, That's Funny

Came across this brilliant template for today's sassy blogger while looking at other blogs linked from Chip's Spynotebook and wondering why it is that people are always moving away from Athens.

Don't tell me... I know why. Different reason than why people are always moving away from Los Angeles, for dang sure... but just as much of it.

Really enjoyed the page 23 exercise Chip posted on the Friendster bulletin board. It's the little things, really. [In case the link doesn't work for whatever odd Friendster reason... here's the deal: open the nearest book to page 23 and type out the fifth sentence into the pass-along posting.]

Back to prepping for the Quinnster. Keith's working his tail off this week doing so so so much industry stuff. I'm so damn proud of him. Truly. Oh... and I SLEPT again! Wow! Loving that!!

Posted by bonnie at 10:01 PM

Website Updates

Finally updated the Cricket Feet website, with major focus to the casting page--and its links to cast photo pages for some of my past projects--and the many photos from recent outings, including this one from the Foxfire a couple of weeks ago.

Yes... this is what nerds do when they go out drinking. They play with the SixHundy. LOL!

Okay, about to switch into high gear with Quinn-mode stuff. So excited! If updates are sparse between now and the 8th or so, that's why. Who knows... I may be very bloggy while Quinn's here.

We shall see!

Posted by bonnie at 6:26 AM

May 24, 2004

This and That

Okay, here's the catch up...

I have slept ALL DAY. Seriously. I slept from 7am to 2pm and then again from 4pm to 7pm. Wow! Just wild!! I do that every now and then, so I guess it's not out of the realm of possibility, but man... wild to sleep so much! Hopefully that means I'm coming around to 100% in the health world. We'll see.

Gearing up for Quinn's visit, which is awesome. Really can't wait! Keith spoke to him yesterday (from the set--Keith's still shooting his movie) and Quinn asked to speak to me. Aw. So sweet. Can't wait to have him here.

Agenda so far includes a kid-friendly gathering at Conan Carroll's house, Memorial Day BBQ at Paul Molinaro's house, pool party at Jeff Denker's house, Sea World with a posse of kids and families (and breakfast with Shamu), JohnAngelo Carver's 2nd birthday party, and hanging out with Nelson Aspen's dog and cat (which we'll continue to do after Quinn goes home--Nelson's on assignment for Sunrise).

Wow! That's a lot to pack into a week. And there's more. I'm just so so so so so looking forward to having the little guy here. He's such a ball of love. Need the constant hugs. That'll be great! Kids are fun.

Commerce

I received the shipment of new shoes I'd ordered online today. I've been on a quest to find a pair of sandals that would replace the awesomely gorgeous, most comfortable, amazing pair that I bought from Tweeds back in 1999. Yes, I've been keeping a pair of sandals on life support for the better part of five years. Poor little shoes--they so rock. And of course, Tweeds has gone out of business and the only identifying mark on the sandals is for the company that manufactures the soles. So... the happy news is, I finally settled on (and yes, it's settling, b/c what I WANT is to go back in time and have bought five pairs of these great shoes in 1999) this pair (in black, though) from Softwalk. And... they weren't cheap... but dammit I couldn't MacGuyver my old sandals anymore.

And that reminds me that I was successful in finding someone, ANYONE to sell me Donna Karan's Chaos, the perfume I've loved since finding it (on my cousin Tracy's wrists) in 1996 when she and I both lived in Athens. I immediately bought myself a bottle (after asking her whether she'd be upset at me for wearing "her" fragrance. She, moving to Hawaii at the time, didn't care what I did with my wrists and neck) and, in 1997, Donna Karan quit making it. Of course, I didn't learn that until 1999, when it was time to buy more. By then... where was I ever going to find any? There HAD to be some out there, somewhere, right? Nope. I've been to every fragrance outlet, every supplier/wholesaler, every little mom and pop store I could find, hoping they'd have a bottle stashed away that I could buy off them. Well holy crap if I didn't find a source on eBay!

Now, they're only selling the purse spray vials, but dammit, they're doing so for about $5-$10 each and I'm buying them up like mad. Happy, happy me! I don't know why I didn't start searching eBay sooner. Now I'm like the Hello Kitty-buying addict I was when I started eBaying in 1997. God bless the Internet.

My First Film

You'll recall the announcement from a while back about my first feature film and its first (semi-)public screening earlier this month. Well, Keith got the director to send over a copy of the poster and here it is!

If you want the much larger version via email, lemmeknow. Yes, that's my name at the end of the first line of small text at the bottom. Tee hee. Happy me.

Cousinly Pride

And yes, if you tuned in to watch VH-1 & Blender Magazine's 50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs recently, you did, in fact, see Cousin Faith making fun of Mister Mister, Sisqo, and Rick Astley. *sniffle* I'm so proud of my girl.

No news on when season two of Significant Others starts taping, though it is soonish, as its schedule has to fit in with the filming of Perfect, since Fred Goss is a lead in both the series and our film. Did I mention how weird it was to have a $25,000 check in our house for a week recently? Phew! Go, Keith on nailing that investment! Man, he's a good associate producer! Truly!

Should have a meeting soon about the next film I'm casting. I did get a call about a promo project shooting Thursday for which the producer needs my help. Glad to do it. Tomorrow, I will be awake during daylight and make some noise. ;)

What else? Kitties are good. Keith is good--busier than ever. It's like the first four months of the year were all me and these next couple so far have been all him. It's fun to have that sort of dance and not feel weird about taking turns and supporting one another.

Oh! And Hollywood Happy Hour is ready to go for July 6th. Get those RSVPs in sooooon! We've announced our new guests to the Hollywood Calendar and The Hollywood Reporter, which should be sending out a WireImage.com photographer again (man, they do great work). I'll update the site with the official announcements of guests soon. This one's going to be GREAT!

Okay, back to work. *snicker* I know, I wasn't working today. I was sleeping. So... time for work. Get out the whip! Updates when possible... 'til then, know I'm in a good place now, everyone. THANK YOU FOR ALL OF THE GOOD VIBES AND LOTS OF LOVE.

Posted by bonnie at 8:57 PM

May 21, 2004

Ahh... Much Better

Went for a late night walk with my lovely fiancé after we'd gotten into bed for the night and started talking... we talked a bunch and then I started to cry... just release from all that I'm going through right now, I guess. And then Keith said, "C'mon. Let's go for a walk." So we did.

I feel better.

I still have the throb in/under/around my left eye (and it's actually become more of a constant throb today) and am contemplating taking the last of my Vicodin, simply so I can knock out and be done with it. Still a little nervous after Monday's experience, though.

Joni's suggestion of Nyquil sounds good. We'll see. No decisions yet. I'll keep editing the archives for Dalt's Gang which is a major OCD-loving task that also keeps me from thinking about my pain, so I may not need anything.

Realized today that, numerologically, I'm in what tends to be the worst spot of my nine-year cycles. In 1995, I was in and out of the hospital (but, man, I was smokin' hot skinny girl... miss that action... LOL). In 1986, I was constantly ill and depressed. And in 1977... well... not sure. Joni? Any ideas? I know I used to get strep throat a lot back then. And bladder infections.

Proof of the "skinny."

Ugh. Anyway, so if this is the "repair year," why the eff does it always have to be my effin' BODY? Ugh.

Happily, that energy always shifts by October, as I ease into my next cycle.

Oh, and I have a birthday soon... Keith reminded me yesterday.

Speaking of birthdays, it's my younger (of the two of them) brother's 50th birthday today. Ack! I'm sooo lucky to be young. Shut up, young friends! Yeah, I know you were born in the '80s. Kiss it!

Hee hee.

I must be feeling better, if I'm fiesty-posting.

Oh, and I'll end on a moment of silence for Wolfesden. For over five years and 100,000 posts, this actors' resource and discussion forum has been a leader in this town and in this industry as a whole. Sterling Wolfe took a lot of heat for a long time running that board at his own cost (time, money, energy, reputation) during some really rough points in the industry (commercial strike, workshop debate, discovery of actors' headshots for sale on eBay) and for my life personally (my mother's death, my resignation from Back Stage West... plus publishing my first two books and moving into casting). I have built some amazing friendships through this corner of the Internet and it's a sad day to see it go. Still, I support Sterling's decision and absolutely wish him the best on his journey from here. He supported so many for so long! It's his turn!

Posted by bonnie at 11:54 PM

May 18, 2004

Plumbing

What the hell is it with this old building and its plumbing issues?

Don't answer that. I know. :(

So yesterday morning, we wake up to find a puddle outside our bathroom door. This time, it's not the tree-roots-through-the-street-pipes induced toilet overflow, it's not the incorrect-size-pipe-with-a-bandaid-for-a-washer-that-finally-broke leak under our sink, and it's not the never-connected-the-tub-overflow-to-anything-other-than-a-shallow-pan-beneath-the-tub drip that turned into a rainfall of soapy plaster onto our neighbor's car parked in the garage beneath our apartment. No, no... this time, it's the water heater that lives in the cabinet next to the bathroom, having overflowed into the cabinet below and the carpet (and padding) that's already been replaced since we've lived here due to the above-mentioned toilet backups (back when every flush of every toilet in the apartment building caused an overflow into our toilet and the landlord insisted it was OUR fault... yeah... we have control over the way the roots grow into 60-year-old pipes out in the street. We are that powerful).

So, it's not enough that I spent yesterday dealing with a mild overdose and the initial pain that caused the drug-taking to begin with... no, no, it's not that my two hours of sleep this morning ended abruptly when the water-heater-replacement guy came out (yes, a 13 year old water heater is OUT of warranty, silly manager lady), it's that the next two hours of sleep I tried to get (as the water-heater-replacement guy left... leaving the new water heater in the hall--blocking the entrance to the bathroom for all but the cats) ended abruptly with the entrance of a team of plumbers who must now dig into the wall above the water heater's cabinet to replace the cracked pipe that takes hot water from the water heater to the faucet calling for it.

Number of non-stop hours of clanging and banging and rumbling so far: six, with no end in sight.

*sigh*

I really was going to spend today recovering from whatever it is that's causing my physical stresses.

Having learned that the distributor for our books is holding another $2000 of the money from the book sales of October, 2003 (yes, you read that right... October sales), just as we prepare for the only real "vacation time" we take--when Keith's son comes to town late next week, is not the way to NOT have stress.

Keith is terrified. He's afraid there's something in my brain about to burst and that I'm getting symptoms that shouldn't be ignored. Yeah, well... when the free clinic can help out, I'm there. 'Til then, pharmaceutically-endowed friends and a cold, quiet, dark room with no outside stress will have to do. Oh wait... this isn't a cold, quiet, dark room with no outside stress!

No wonder he's terrified.

I just keep going back to the amazing book that Faith gave me: Excuse Me, Your Life Is Waiting, and reminding myself that we attract what we focus on (nothing new there... Law of Attraction). So, I must keep my focus on the things that thrill me: my friends, my work, my cats, Keith's love, being able to live on a very small budget, and the signals Mom sends that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

There is no amount of work that can truly "mend" bad plumbing. You simply replace what is broken, clean up the mess, and continue living.

Posted by bonnie at 4:17 PM

May 17, 2004

Three and Two

That's the number of Vicodin (three) and Excedrin (two) that, at once, are too many for my body to handle.

Ugh.

At least my eye socket stopped throbbing/twitching (it has been doing so pretty much daily since April 13th).

I think I liked it better when I took a muscle relaxer and went to bed. Don't know whether that stopped the throb/twitch thing, but it sure as hell felt better than the trip the Three and Two are putting me through.

Ugh.

Posted by bonnie at 8:50 PM

May 14, 2004

Oh, this is fun!

Thanks, Chip. I've only been to 2% of the world, but I've been to 52% of the USA. LOL

Man, I have GOT to get out more. LOL Here's the link to make your maps. Have fun!

Posted by bonnie at 4:18 AM

"I Only Have a Few 'Things.'..."

So, Keith and I are coming home and changing before heading out again, in a whirlwind of activities that just doesn't seem to die down. Something (some little thing, really... so little I don't recall exactly what it was) that Keith did wasn't the way that I "need" it to be done. I said, "Honey, I only have a few 'things.' Could you please try to help me with those?"

He stopped and stared at me, shocked. Then he started laughing. Howling.

"YOU? You only have a FEW 'things'? YOU? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

I had to look HARD at him for a few seconds, so that he would realize I wasn't joking. Then I asked, "Have you ever known someone with a clinical diagnosis for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?"

"No. I haven't."

"Okay," I continued. "Then could you please try to understand how very high-functioning I am compared to most people with OCD. And, in order to keep me high-functioning--when there are 'things' that I have made you aware of that you can do to keep me from going nuts, just by taking a little extra step to make sure those 'things' are done a certain way--could you please choose to do those things?"

Blank stare.

Then a hug.

So, either he gets it or he was doing the, "Yes, dear," thing that partners so often do for one another. Either way, I found it interesting that Keith has never encountered another person with OCD in his life. I've known several. But maybe it's just because we sort of "spot" each other. We recognize the behaviors, the quirks, the little things we do to try and hide those things... and the little physically-evident coping mechanisms we walk around with to let us live with hiding so much of what we WOULD do, were it all more socially acceptable.

*sigh*

This really is a lighthearted post, for the most part. Truly! I just enjoyed the little exchange with Keith the other day and actually sort of gave myself a little pat on the back for being so very high-functioning. It certainly helps that I live in a part of the world (and work in an industry) in which quirks are considered creativity and dysfunction is a part of brilliance.

A favorite quote, from Steven Sodeberg, is, "I have confused my personality quirks with standards." Man, do I get that.

Other favorite quotes that I have scribbled in the same place and will now put here in my Blog, mainly b/c that's a very OCD thing to do: get all of the scraps of paper thrown out b/c there's now ONE PLACE for the quotes I've been transferring to different scraps of paper for nearly a year until I could determine what to do with them; are...

"Impossible is an opinion." (from that Nike ad on the side of a building down the street)

and

"Charisma comes from public self-acceptance." (from... of all places... America's Next Top Model--one of the coaches had used that definition and that really stands out for me).

*sigh*

I'm having a good life. Truly.

Posted by bonnie at 3:53 AM

May 11, 2004

Happy Birthday, Mom

Today would've been Charlsie's 71st birthday. It's so odd to imagine Mom in her 70s... but I guess it's odd to imagine her in her 20s or 30s too. I only got to know Mom as a woman in her 40s, 50s, and 60s. Sometimes I feel cheated to have only "had her" for 30 years, but then I consider my dear friends whose time with their mothers was far shorter than that. I truly am one of the luckiest people on the planet. Not only was I born to the amazing Charlsie Gillespie, but I had her in my life for 30 years... much of that time to myself.

I never considered myself unfortunate for growing up in a single-parent household because of who that single parent was. What an amazing, beautiful, creative, brilliant, stubborn, independent woman my mother was! And though I NEVER resented hearing the words, "Bonnie, you are JUST like your mother" (a phrase that makes so many women cringe), when I get to hear my great aunt, with a catch in her throat, say to me, "Bonnie, you come from the best stuff. You are just like Charlsie was at your age," I smile through tears. Because while I didn't know Mom at 33, I have a few decades ahead of me for which I DO have a reference point for who she was.

And if I ever forget, it seems I can just look inside to be sure.

Happy Birthday, Momma.

Posted by bonnie at 8:53 AM

May 7, 2004

A Wee Bit Freaked Out

Wow, that's pretty dang cool.

I visited my little books on Amazon.com and found that Self-Management for Actors has a sales rank of 8,187 and Casting Qs has a sales rank of 9,145. Now, considering the fact that I nearly lost it when each book ONCE hit below 100,000 in sales rank, this was a pretty freaky discovery. Not one that I minded, mind you. Tee hee.

Since that visit earlier (seeing as I'm the "gotta check back and see if that's really real or if I dreamt it" kinda gal), Casting Qs has dropped down to a much more likely sales rank of 329,245, but for cryin' out loud, that was a cool couple of hours there! Yeah... I take it where I can get it.

Spending lots of quality time over at Dalt's Gang lately, which is way fun.

It's been a big week...

Got invited by the SAG Casting Committee to be the first CD of the month at SAG's May 12th Casting Director Workshop. If you're a SAG member and want to try and be there, you'll have to call the Seminar and Showcase Hotline at 323.549.6435 between noon and 1:30pm on Monday the 10th. I'm very excited!

Also got invited to speak at the SAG Conservatory at AFI in July. Kick ass! That is so gonna rock!

And, received a letter today asking me to moderate a panel on Promoting and Marketing Yourself as an Actor at the 6th Annual Hollywood Black Film Festival in June. Again, that is going to rock, big time!

I am just one super-excited gal right now.

Doing career counseling in a few hours. That's always lots of fun. It seems as though everyone has decided that, since pilot season has ended, it is TIME to get that consulting session done! I got seven calls/emails THIS WEEK from new clients. Wow! Okay, universe... I HEAR you!

My life is just a very happy place right now. I'm so very blessed. Just really, really happy. What a good thing!

Posted by bonnie at 3:39 AM

May 5, 2004

*sniffle*

I'm so proud, I can't even stand it... and I know it has nothing to do with me (or, at the most, it has very little to do with me).

I just came from the AMDA Graduate Industry Showcase (yes, there will be many-a-detail at my Shows I've Seen blog, once I get off my arse and update the dang thing) and saw so much good stuff from these kids, ready to enter the scene here in LA. Of course, some of them are headed right back to NY after having their senior year in Los Angeles, and others are going "home," wherever that is, to be big fishes (I get that), but I really saw some chops that are top-notch, and that makes me happy. All the kids were glad to see me (I'd visited a few months ago, before they even had headshots) and many had chosen material that showed they GOT the whole "type" thing.

Feels good. Regardless. I'm proud to know these kids--and I'll definitely be calling some of them in. No doubt.

In other news...

The rescheduled "big casting meeting" is tomorrow (well, in 12.5 hours) and we're still babysitting Angus (who is doing MUCH better). Gonna hook up with a dear friend from my casting days at Fox tomorrow night over a bottle or four of wine and then Thursday is the hook up with my HHH cohosts for a pow-wow. Always love those.

This weekend, of course, is my debut at Actorfest (tee hee) and the big reveal of my new weekly column over at Actors Access. It's also Mother's Day, followed closely by my mother's birthday. I'll happily be spending Mother's Day with the latest member of the "Dead Mother Club," sweet Debra McCarthy (my sis). Her mom's birthday is a day after my mom's birthday, so we both have the double-whammy. We'll grab onto each other for a good many hours on Sunday while the boys play "Cosmic Encounter." Happily, we'll have booze. And each other. And more of each other. Sucks being mom-less.

But...

There was a hummingbird scene in my film (that first one I cast that screened the other day). And, at the moment Deb was reading my blog, she saw a hummingbird HANG OUT at her window. Yeah. I'm going to try to work a hummingbird into every film I cast from here on out. Hey... it could happen!

Aside from that, feeling way down about my weight (which is up), despite the fact that I KNOW I was told by my doc to expect to gain before losing, on this new plan. Still, I HATE tipping the scales like I do these days. Ugh. Vanity, ego, and self esteem... y'all's a bunch of bitches!

Okay, there's more, I'm sure... oh, in fact, here's one: I've been asked to be the CD du jour at the SAG Casting Committee's monthly CD Workshop next week. Woo hoo! I'm way excited. That so damn cool.

Aside from the whole "size of my ass" thing, I'm loving this life. Truly.

Quinn comes to visit soon. Can't wait. If you have kids and are in my life and want to make sure we intersect while Quinn is here, you'd better hook up with us now. Plans are being made and it's a way full social calendar for that 5.5 year old cutie-pie!!

Cheers!

Posted by bonnie at 12:23 AM

May 2, 2004

Cats... up to no good!

So, ever since the whole "my computer is dead" drama, I've been leaving my computer up and running/sleeping (and open) all the time (since shutting it down could mean having to go through all of that again).

Well... I came out to my computer today, before heading out to Scott's surprise birthday party, and the screen was BLACK. I nervously tapped a few keys, wiggled the mouse, checked the plug... nothing. "Oh, crap," I'm thinking.

Then I recall how my animals seem to love the warmth of the open laptop (and the conquering of the only creature in the apartment I seem to spend more time with than them and Keith) and hit the brightness key, only to find that, yes, one of my lovely kitties has found the tiny little button and blackened my screen at some point.

After checking email and getting the address to the party for Mapquest, etc., I hide Entourage and Safari and see four new PDFs sitting on my desktop. Huh? What are those? "Keith, did you put four PDFs on my desktop for me to look at?" "No." "Oh my God. Did the cats turn off my screen AND take four screen captures AND save them as PDFs?" "No way." "No. You're right. There's no effin' way."

Ladies and gentlemen, I present the following evidence: first capture, screen on. Second capture, screen being dimmed. Third capture: screen dimming complete.

Granted, I had to size these down a bit. The original files were saved at a size of 53mb each. Cats don't get the need to scale images to something a bit more appropriate for sharing.

Holy crap, these are some crazy kids!

Posted by bonnie at 11:02 PM