March 28, 2000
Recovering from the Oscar Party, but otherwise still sticking to the "type" foods and Krav Maga. I'd like to add in Pilates classes at the KM Center, but that's an extra $10 a month -- so I'll wait until I've gone to Hotlanta and come back, then add it on.
I'm feeling bad about my body right now b/c I guess I'd hoped I'd be much thinner when I got to see may family again. I really believed that I'd have not only gotten below the 175 I weighed when I left in December of 1998, but that I'd have gone even farther south on the scale. Haven't weighed myself in two months, but I'd guess I'm above, not below, that mark. Not by much, and not by enough for anyone to even notice... except for me. Of course, I know my fam will be so glad to see me happy and healthy, it won't even be an issue. I also have to remind myself that my muscle weight is higher than fat. Numbers don't matter, it's how you feel, BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Anyway, I know I'll be recharged by the trip home. I need it! I'm hopeful that I'll get my DMV smog impact fee refund before I go, so that I don't have to charge the flight. No matter what, though, I'm going! And the best thing will be getting to sleep with my head in my Momma's lap, being baby-talked as I nap. There is no age at which I will outgrow that!
Recent kitchen conquests: chicken w/ currants and cous cous, more variations on the silken tofu smoothies, and a much-too-heavy-on-the-cilantro black bean dip.
Posted by bonnie at 5:08 PM
March 18, 2000
Now that Dawn and I are up to two Krav Maga sessions per week, and I'm a week into the Blood Type Diet, things are really starting to feel "right". I'm still sore after a hard workout, but it's such a good feeling. Mom asked how my hands looked these days - well, of course, they're taking on the look of non-hand-model hands. I guess that's okay, though. I hadn't been getting a lot of work in that arena lately anyway.
I wasn't aware that D'Adamo had such loud critics until I spent an insomniac night online. Still, this Blood Type Diet is amazing. I remember trying it for a month in 1998 and getting physically ill when I ate a large number of "poison" foods in one meal. I was shocked that my body had become that accustomed to my "medicine" foods. Shortly after that experience, I joined Jenny Craig, so I didn't stick it out. This time, I've actually bought a blender, a cooking pot, a chopping block, and a can opener, so that I can COOK. The recipes in his new book range from simple to complex, but they're all yummy (so far). What I've done is attempt the easiest recipes first, to build my confidence in the kitchen. I feel SO good eating "on type" that I'm eager to press on.
So far, I've made: silken tofu smoothies, olive oil mayo, cold grilled chicken salad, sesame garlic chicken, apple grape smoothies, and cucumber yogurt soup. I am SO proud! And since all of this food acts as medicine in my system, my energy is very high. I am punching harder and with more passion. I am needing less sleep. And, with the exception of the emotional effects of my recent break-in (see News page), I am in a great place, emotionally. I miss potatoes and tomatoes like crazy -- and I know I'll have to sneak a shrimp, a crab leg, a cashew or two in there from time to time -- but I think it's worth it. You know I don't miss cheese at all! The coolest thing about this, is I'm not to have olives or cheese, and I hate both -- so that's my own body telling me what's best for it, before I even asked. No milk - just soy milk. Fine! I'd already changed over anyway (thanks, Dawn).
Well, I guess that's all for journals today... there's more to say, but I'm feeling that this is enough for the moment.
Posted by bonnie at 5:08 PM
March 7, 2000
I get it now. I'm not weak. I'm strong. And I'm not even "just strong" -- I'm a badass. How empowering! Thank you, Father!
Posted by bonnie at 5:07 PM
March 4, 2000
My knuckles are badly bruised. I'm feeling extremely narcissistic about my hands. This is an amazing feeling. I love having hit something so hard and with so much fire that it didn't even occur to me to protect my formerly fragile wrists. At the end of a very frustrating week, the last thing I wanted to do was Krav Maga. Dawn made me go -- and thank goodness she did! Totally worth it. I'm sore today, but it's so very gratifying.
Last week's emotional melt-down came when I'd pounded Dawn so hard the instructor came over and took her place holding the pad. I sent him reeling. When I recoiled, I went way deep into a corner of myself and began to weep. The instructor sweetly asked if I were hurt - when the last thing I wanted was attention. Dawn asked if we should leave -- and I said no, knowing that I would never come back if I were to leave. This is exactly why I began this process -- to finish it. There is no giving up when it gets hard.
Of course, there's this overwhelming fear of NOT having this soul-gripping block in my life. I've become so comfortable with it, so accustomed to living with it, that I fear how to live without it. What if, in eliminating the block, I lose something innately "Bonnie" about me? You know, that seemed like a good question a week ago, but just typing it right now, it seems a ridiculous thing to even ask. Good. That's progress. And that's the idea. Each day brings me closer to the time when this pain is dissolved. Yes, there will always be new hurts to put in its place, but they're ones I'll conquer quickly, compared to this. Of course, I may not recognize my life without this block. That's GOOD. That's FINE. That's the POINT!
So, I continue forward....
Posted by bonnie at 5:06 PM